Peer Review by And_The_Stars_Laughed (United States)

Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.

Tap on comment to view. Using a mouse?

Hover over comments to view. On a touch device?


A Perfect Day

By: Alina Lee


FREE WRITING

    Waking to the musical chirping of Swallows was the perfect way to start a day. The moment that first note rang out, Eliza was up. She threw on her clothes and pranced down the stairs. Today was no normal day, for tomorrow was the opening day for her new bakery. That meant that she had a lot of preparation to do today, and had to get everything ready for tomorrow. Since Eliza was seven, she always loved baking and anything related to it. So when she heard she could open up a bakery, she got right to work. After a rushed breakfast of jam and bread, Eliza put on her coat and swung open her front door. The crisp morning air rushed into the cozy little house, bringing with it a sense of awakening and energy. 
    Spring flourished around Eliza. The sun wrapped its golden rays around her, and the wind gently blew delicate, pink, petals across the path. Eliza’s town was closely knit. Everyone knew everybody, and everything that went on. Walking up to the beautifully decorated little building brought back memories of what it used to be.
    Eliza’s bakery was in what once was a clothing store. Its siding was old and weathered, and the gutters begged to be cleaned. Eliza had used the extra money from her part time job at a restaurant to pay for repairs. So after a few months, the old shack had been transformed into a modern little building, perfect for a bakery. 
    Eliza proudly pushed open the front door, and flipped the light switch. The entire interior lit up, displaying several tables and a counter. Below the surface of the counter was a grand glass display case, perfect for several sweet treats. Eliza slipped into the kitchen to find several of her friends whom she’d hired hard at work. Flour and powdered sugar soon glazed the counters forming a fine layer of snow. The ticking and ringing of timers played a curious melody for the bakers, as the thumping of dough and closing of ovens provided a steady rhythm. The loan for all the equipment was quite large, but Eliza believed in and looked forward to the crowds that would show up on opening day.
    Before long, the bakery smelled of vanilla and cinnamon. Eliza opened up the front door to let some fresh air into the rather warm kitchen. Who knew ovens could emit that much heat? The morning soon turned to noon as Eliza breathed in the sweet scent of cherry blossoms. The sun was high in the sky, but there, the temperature was just right. Not too hot where everybody would crowd to the nearest shade, but warm enough to defeat any sense of cold. The wind was gentle and the grass swayed with the breeze.
    Evening soon came along as Eliza was pinning posters up to the windows proclaiming the big day tomorrow. The sunlight was bright and even more golden than before. Warmth swathed through the freshly cleaned windows of the bakery and offered the workers a flow of energy. 
    The sky soon turned orange and the entire plaza lit up with street lights on long poles by the road. Many people gathered outside to share yet another sunset, watching as the sun slowly but surely slipped down into the misty pink clouds and hid itself beneath the horizon.  The sky turned from red to blue as the moon shone its silver grace to the people.The stars slipped from beneath the now purple blanket where they usually hid, showing each and every one of their sparkling, mysterious, faces. Some held a formation, as others stood alone. All shone with an exhilarating strength. Eliza stood in the crowd, seeing more than just another night. This was the night before a change in her life. Tomorrow, she would finally reach her dream.
    That night in bed, with the silver sheen of moonlight tickling the covers, Eliza dreamt of tomorrow. She dreamt of everyone that would come, and what a perfect day it would be.
 


Message to Readers

Not the best title, but I couldn't think of anything else :P If you wrote this, what would you title it?


Peer Review

First off, I love the sensory details you weave in, they add to the tone of the piece and really emphasize the feeling of "a perfect day." I especially loved the line: "The sun wrapped its golden rays around her, and the wind gently blew delicate, pink, petals across the path." You did a wonderful job alternating between different senses, too. The different sights, sounds and smells included really let me as the reader feel as if I was there with Eliza -- wonderful job! I also think you did a spectacular job developing Eliza's character throughout the piece, showing how she is driven to accomplish the dream of opening a bakery, and how she worked hard in order to do so. In a way, this piece showered me with a nostalgia for something I've never experienced. I think that the reason this happened is because you did such a great job creating this warm, comforting feel in the words you wrote.


From what I can tell, Eliza has a very persistent personality: she's determined to open a bakery, she is set on making each day be "the perfect day." Through the wonderful sensory details you weave in, the powerful verbs, and uses of figurative language, I can definitely sense the quintessential tone of the piece; the ecstasy and joy Eliza is finding in pursuing what she loves. Not to take away from this, but what I'd love to know is what struggles Eliza had to face in order to get to the point she is at now as well as what problems she still comes across in her day-to-day life and how she faces these? Perhaps consider how it might impact your piece if you threaded in some struggles Eliza once faced/still faces, yet tied it back at the end to Eliza's determination to push through these problems and make each day be the best it can be. Maybe think about how this might add to the theme of the piece/what lessons the reader might learn from this? This is simply an idea, but maybe you could think about how it could strengthen the piece if you talked a bit about Eliza's past and how this contributes to her mindset to have a "perfect day?" However, feel no need to take on these suggestions. :)


Reviewer Comments

To answer your question in the "Message to Reader" box, I think that the title that you have works quite nicely, actually. It's simplistic, yet it portrays the feel of the piece wonderfully. I'm not very great at coming up with titles, but if you wanted a different suggestion, mine would be to maybe somehow create a title that ties into the ending of the piece; something that talks about sunrise/sunset and how each new day has the ability to be amazing if we make it that way? (Sorry I'm not super great at putting these ideas into actual titles).
Overall, this was really fun pice to read and review. I loved the sensory details as well as the strong depiction of Eliza's personality -- wonderful job!!
If you ever have any questions about Write the World, feel free to let me know, I'd be happy to help. In the meantime, keep writing!!! :)