Peer Review by HelpMe512 (United States)

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Suspicious #myrose ( comment if you want a Part 2)

By: MimiChoudhury


FREE WRITING

"I am sorry."

"Its okay. I understand your sentiments, but why did you have to run away...why couldn't you wait....and have patience?

The streaming crystal blue eyes met the green ones, as the brunette lady held the hand of the tall red haired man, and gave a watery chuckle.

"Because... I loved you Ben. And I love you now, and till my last breathe I will continue loving you. I couldn't bear seeing you like that.I ..."

Suddenly a loud thud interrupted her. She looked around in surprise and fear, but found no one around except the distant music made by the fireflies . Her blue eyes scanned the area vividly , but found nothing unnatural but a dustbin that  was rolling upturned on the spot from which the sound had come.

"By the way..." She said, turning to Ben.
"I need to get going. Robert might be waiting for me, and he gets dead mad everytime I return home late."

"Hang on." Ben took hold of her arm, as she rose to leave. "You have not told him , have you?? That we..."

"Those things need perfect time and situation to explain. And at present...I have none of both. So...we need to wait for the perfect moment it seems."

"I am quite scared of that Robert. I'm afraid he might do something rash..."

"Oh...Don't you worry. I'll keep him under control." She said quitely, smiling her most beautiful smile.
The green eyed boy grinned. "Take care."

*************************************

As she quitely slipped into the large and airy room, her eyes automatically went to the wall clock. 11:00 clock. She was terribly late!! Whatever was Robert going to say??

"You home at last??" 
The dark haired man was sitting on the burgundy  queen-sized bed , and apparently, reading a book. He slightly lifted his head from the book and looked questioningly at his wife.
"Where were you? I had been waiting for you  all evening. Had fun?"


Robert's emphasis of the last sentence shook the crystal eyed girl.

Had fun?

The lad now putting the book aside pierced his brown eyes into the blue ones. "Brenda, you have known me since your college years, haven't you?"

  His question seemed ....normal. Yah, they were back to normal talk now...or was it? Brenda could only squeak a soft " Yes." as the answer.
But Robert seemed to be enjoying the situation. "You remember a boy called Ben Johnson who studied in my year??"
Brenda almost fell off her chair? What the hell was he talking about!!! Yah, it was true that in her college days, she had seen  Ben bully Robert to no ends. But ..that was years ago. Why was he remembering Ben now all of a sudden? Did he...no no no....that was impossible . How could he know?
But even while reassuring herself that everything was alright, the girl could sense that something was wrong.
Something was not right. Crap. If only she knew how to perform Leglimency.....oh...Why was she blabbering unscientific things now?

Suddenly,  Robert's face became immensely red. He lifted up his finger at Brenda as a form of accusation as he said,  shaking with anger, " You broke my trust Brenda. I loved you but you couldn't keep it!"
Brenda pulled back, her face white in horror. "W-what are you...."
"I know everything now. I just wonder for how many days has this been going on for ..."
"... No wait Robert. Please listen to me . I've got to tell you something iimpo- "I am not going to listen to any important word of yours. I - I trusted you , but you broke it!."
Brenda caught herself up and looked at the brown eyes serenely, " What will you do??"

"YOU HAVE STARTED IT, HAVEN'T YOU?? SO I'LL FINISH IT!!" 

And with that, he stormed out of the room , leaving Brenda to gape  at him in horror and bewilderment. Whatever was going to happen?

*****************************************


Trringg!! Tringgg!!
"Coming!!!"
A man's voice called from within, as sound of footsteps ran hurriedly towards the door.
"Good day Ben. Having fun all these days??"

Ben stood dead on his tracks. After all these years... Robert...

Suddenly, the black haired man held the red haired one's collar.

"You have done enough harm to me in all those years, but you are still not satisfied?? Now you are up to destroying my life??"
Ben staggered back in nervousness.What the hell was he talking about??
"But I won't let you take away the most precious thing of my life. No!! I'll finish this here and right now!!"
In Ben's utmost horror, Robert pulled up a heavily loaded rifle from his pocket and directed it at him.

"NO!!!"

Robert jumped in surprise. "You are getting it all wrong Rob. ALL WRONG!!"
A brunette haired girl stood at the front door, her wrists closed in immense anger and fear.
"You think you are going to finish this , aren't you?? Do you even know what you are talking about??" She screamed uncontrollably.
"Oh yes I do. You are cheating on me. YOU are cheating on me with that awful bully!! How could you break my trust Brenda?!!"

"Your trust??" Brenda laughed sarcastically."I was never in the knowledge of anything called your trust. Because...if you would have trusted me...you would NOT HAVE  doubted my love for you. How could YOU THINK THAT I WOULD CHEAT ON YOU WITH MY BROTHER???!!!!"

 


Message to Readers

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Peer Review

I really like the premise of this story. It's really interesting, and shows how a misunderstanding can do a lot of harm. I actually didn't see the twist at the end coming, and it was really well thought out! I also love the descriptions you had, and you immersed me into the world really well. I really love this piece!


There's a few areas where I feel like you could improve. One is with dialogue. Your characters don't really have that much personality, and it seems like a robot is talking. Another is punctuation. You used multiple punctuation marks in a row which is really unprofessional and informal. Also writing in all caps isn't the best idea either. I highlighted a few other parts that could be improved too.


Reviewer Comments

Awesome work!