birthdaycandles

Ireland

Just an 18 yr old aspiring to be something like a living, walking (and writing) hug.

Pfp is art by Vanessa Stockard <3

Things close to my heart:
God, my family + climate change

-Joined Sept 2019, active since March 2020-
prev. AutumnRain

Message to Readers

I'm not sure about the opening of this. The speaker is searching for this hidden land and the old sailor is the only one who knows the way. Can you figure out how I could maybe make that clearer? Should I explicitly state that they are searching for the entrance to this hidden land? Constructive criticism is warmly welcomed! Oh, and what do you think of the title, eh eh eh? ;) Very punny if you ask me... but I'm not sure if this can be classified as a fable, so I might change it, any other title suggestions are appreciated!

A Periodic Fable

June 22, 2020

FREE WRITING

11
There's a village
I've found finally after a long time.
There's an old sailor
Stood staring out at the short shoreline.

I knew I'd found him when I made eye-contact with him and his eyes spoke the directions I had been searching for.

There's a cave
On the far-east side of town.
There's a staircase of silver you'll find
At the back that they say is made from an ancient Queen's crown.

You'll know you've reached it when you feel the cold metal frost your fingertips.

There's stalactites
Hanging from the ceiling dripping like upside down candles.
There's a door
At the top of the stairs with a corroded orange-brown handle.

You'll know you've reached it when you feel the rust flake off into your palm.

There's a field of corn
That if you chew on it turns your hair to threads of gold.
There's a river of mercury
That if you touch your truest desires will appear on your skin in lettering bright and bold.

You'll know you've reached it when you see the 'Beware of mercury poisoning' sign hidden on the river bank beside a few scattered skeletons.

There's a copper forest
Coated green with copper oxide that passers scrape their initials into.
There's a castle
With gates splashed with blood residue.

You'll know you've reached it when you press your tongue to the inside of your cheek and taste iron.

There's a throne of bronze
With a Queen demanding for her stolen silver treasure.
There's a cunning invitation
For you to meet her and have tea at your leisure.

You'll know to run.




 
266 words
For Prompt 5 of lindsmariebuck's competition
I hope people get the references to metals, I had to brush up on my chemistry knowledge for some of them lo

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10 Comments
  • Emi

    I love the "quest" feel in this poem, how it feels like it's a tale being told around a fire, or a legend.


    5 months ago
  • batman_is_a_cracker

    Replying: As I was writing the chapter where she first comes in, Deirdre just popped into my head. I think it fits the character (I can't imagine her with any other name) so I kept it.


    5 months ago
  • books4life

    This is really good!!!! :) It's so vivid and I can clearly picture it. And the SUSPENSE too!!! "You'll know when to run"...whoa. And just the whole piece to, it's totally amazing and I'm in awe!!!!! WHOOP!


    5 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Replying: Yay!! Taking over the world, one new fan at a time.


    5 months ago
  • sunny.v

    replying: thank you!! and hehe yes ma’am chemistry nerds!! i’m much more of a biology girl but whew chem-ist-ry. hehe yesss together we’ll be as stable as an atom with a full number of valence electrons in its outer shell! (hope I got that right—it’s been a year since I’ve taken chem)


    5 months ago
  • Deleted User

    Oh dear Lord this is the best thing i’ve ever seen.

    There's a village
    I've found finally after a long time.
    There's an old sailor
    Stood staring out at the short shoreline. ’
    I love it so so much. I love the subtle references to metals and oh, it’s just beautiful. Tbh i can’t really say anything, except it’s really really clever.
    Also, replying- you so sweet <3 thank you!


    5 months ago
  • sunny.v

    yaaaaah chemistry!! ack you’re gonna kill it in this contest! so magical and whimsical...I love it! hehe so lovely. “ There's a copper forest
    Coated green with copper oxide that passers scrape their initials into. ” aah fave lines!


    5 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Replying: If you like the description for the fantasy books *is flattered* then you will LOVE everything by Gail Carson Levine. Her most famous book is Ella Enchanted, but I have never picked up a book she wrote that I didn't fall in love with from line one. In fact, the first line of her book Fairest is on my message board. Her world-building, character work, and unique narrative voice are all stunning.


    5 months ago
  • elliem

    This is so beautiful! Best of luck in this contest; this piece is so, so stunning.
    "There's a field of corn
    That if you chew on it turns your hair to threads of gold.
    There's a river of mercury
    That if you touch your truest desires will appear on your skin in lettering bright and bold."
    ^^This part. So well-written. Awesome work! :)


    5 months ago
  • Deleted User

    Replying: That's okay. Thank you for your questions!

    By the way, Great piece!


    5 months ago