Peer Review by crow_e (United States)

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taking refuge in your fidelity

By: mia_:)

PROMPT: Refuge

i. refuge is crying
/ you open your arms and i collapse into them, alkaline relief flowing from my pores / stroke my hair, braid my soul, leech the pain from my eyes / mutter incoherently, but i don't care / the fact that you're here is what matters / plates clink in the kitchen and still, you wrap your shell around me and protect me from the pain / our meal turns cold, but our hearts are warm and full / i'll always be here for you, love / i carry those words in my heart; my lifeboat when the going gets tough /

ii. refuge is laughing
/ effervescent sounds bubble in your chest / is it possible to taste joy? / i complain of jaw pain from smiling around you / just seeing your face makes it impossible to smile / rolling down hills and dissolving into fits of giggles / you blow dandelion seeds to the wind and laugh as the sky swallows them / oh baby, your sanguine aura merges with mine and we can't do anything but grin /

iii. refuge is creating
/ it feels as if i've been holding my breath and can finally exhale as i step up to my easel, sharpen my pencil, tune my flute / i play, i sing, i create as if everyone is watching but no one pressures me / a haven, yes, a portal into anywhere you want / take my hand and we'll pluck the d string together / prime the canvas for optimal results / i don't care about technique, darling, so long as we're together /

iv. refuge is living
/ yes, sometimes the marigold rains wet your hair / bees sting, but where would we be without them? / babe, don't shy away in fear / let the ocean lap at your feet and let the snow cluster on your eyelids / live every moment to the fullest, for it could be our last together / stop and smell every rose, even if it starts to drizzle / cloud gaze and harmonize with the sounds of nature / you're my refuge, and as long as we're together, everything will be more than fine /

marigolds symbolize grief, jealousy, and despair

Message to Readers

*sucks in breath* please don't judge; I know this isn't my best work

still using my trusty toothpick to dig through this writer's block! wish me luck!

I'd love some feedback, since this is literally word vomit :/

Peer Review

imagery!! i feel like i say that too much but your imagery is some of the most vivid i've ever seen on this site and i still don't know how you do it. also, i like the parallel structure/stanza grouping, highlighting each facet of what refuge is to you. nice work!

[as a side note, i'd love to see connections to flowers in each of the stanzas - you used dandelions in the second and marigolds in the fourth and i think that tying each feeling to a flower could provide another connecting piece for the reader to go back to.]

The idea of refuge in people, rather than a place, is what hits me here - more of a feeling than a tangible thing. also that feelings of refuge can be paradoxical in a way, cozy or wild or anything in between. nice work!

Reviewer Comments

thanks for sharing this piece! let me know if you have any questions/comments or want me to look at another draft of this piece - i'd be happy to!