Vannah

United States

Y'know, I really hope I can pull off the cool mysterious deep writer persona. That'd be sick.

Message to Readers

I really should stop posting at really late hours, because I never get any feedback, oops.... But I just wrote this and now I'm posting it so... Here ya go. Sorry if it has any typos it's 2 AM and I don't have my glasses on.

Not My Fire, But Yours

June 19, 2020

FREE WRITING

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Oh I-I, I want to scream at you!
I know I shouldn't... 
I always know when I shouldn't, yet I can never figure out when I should,
So today I don't care!

I can't say you broke my heart, 
I can't say you even hurt me. 
But I am angry with you,
more and more every day.
Your ears are shut to whatever I have to say.
But I'm never allowed to be angry.

So I'm stuck daily, holding it in and in and in,
Swallowing the flames that bubble up inside my throat scratching to escape,
Willing me to just let up for one single second. 

It's always my fault, it always has been. 
Before it was so easy to accept that place, to accept my ineptitude. 
But I'm not sad. I'm not a problem- at least not always. 

I realize that when I hold off my anger towards you I only fuel my hatred for myself. 

Oh how I hate you.

I'm not allowed to be angry? 

Oh I hate you.

I hate you so much, I hate that you made me hate you and turned around to rebuke me for it when I confessed it.
Saying it was yet again my fault. I got us here. 
Perhaps it is. 
Perhaps I should've snapped sooner. 
Perhaps. 

I know that I love you and I always will, but I also know that I hate you. Truly. 
Because no matter whose fault this all is, I'm left here. 
With a non-broken heart and a throat full of flames.
You said you'd sacrifice everything for me, but when it came to the flames, rather than getting burned you left me to deal with my fire on my own.
And now that I have all these burn scars you do nothing but scold me for playing with fire. 

So read this. Read it again and again. 
This, is why I will never speak to you again,
Because I'm better than this now, and you deserve those flames.
I won't keep them to myself anymore.
But I don't want to burn anyone. 
So read this. Read it again and again.
This is why I will never speak to you again. 

 

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