chrysanthemums&ink

United States

ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴡᴏʀʀʏ 'ʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴛᴏᴍᴏʀʀᴏᴡ ᴀɴʏᴍᴏʀᴇ.

Message to Readers

previous title: reset, reinvention, revision

ack the punctuation and phrasing is all screwed up.

i knelt in front of a dead butterfly and prayed

June 28, 2020

FREE WRITING

16

a while ago, i buried a butterfly
kowtowed in front of a temple and 
pretended like i knew how to pray
finger joints aching from the cold,
crescent moons branded into my knuckles,
i begged guanyin for a new life and
sacrificed the ashes of my family photos 
using her bitter saké as a disinfectant 
i drank bottoms-up to cleanse my throat of broken glass and
dead nymphalidae
sat on my knees and
waited for the
reset. 

i killed my past lives by felling them with 
paperweights and violin strings
strange, how
those butterfly bodies had my face
i want to bury them and
squeeze the stardust from their wings 
so they don't look pretty anymore
but they bleed red pus and
stare at me accusingly with my own eyes
disgusting
so i pray, again
kami-sama,
how do i do i forget my own face? 
choke up another repulsive pieridae, this is the peak of adolescence 
i tried to suture the infested splits in my chest but they only close with 
concrete tears and self love, no worries
i just have to 
reinvent myself. 

i coughed out a million fluttering ghosts yesterday
damn those naive little things
i shot them down one by one
please, can someone lay me down in front of that church
and exorcise these butterflies from my body?
so that i can forget who i was yesterday?
stupid, there are chrysalides hanging in the cracks of my psyche
if they were maggots instead
i wouldn't grieve 
i wouldn't grieve for a dead childhood
my throat is closed with butterflies and
i'm sorry, mom, dad
i can't remember why you love me
i pour baijiu over my wounds again and
light an incense stick
o' bohdisattva, 
it seems that my body is in dire need of a 
revision. 

gods don't listen to those who don't believe
i guess you aren't supposed to ask them to love you when you
can't
a butterfly scalds my fingertip and 
their bodies stack in my bedroom, 
mourning clothes and
hurts to look at them and hurts to
think back to what could've been so
for the last time, close my eyes and
clasp my hands together
o' beautiful future
why do you keep killing butterflies? and how 
do i become something you won't regret? 
of course, there was no answer so my body wrote their own instructions
so that i can breathe without 
choking 

and these butterflies
one day i'll send them fluttering away 
into the distant sky
but until then, 

reset, reinvention, revision
 

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  • June 28, 2020 - 11:28pm (Now Viewing)

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6 Comments
  • Paisley Blue

    Wow. Beautiful and chilling! Your writing never ceases to amaze me.


    4 months ago
  • sunny.v

    pssst pst...chrys....meow


    5 months ago
  • mia_:)

    This piece looks so good! I can't wait to come back and give it a read!

    Replying: Thank you SO much for your comment! I didn't love that piece and you made me feel better about it. That was the first time I've been called a queen, and from YOU no less, that makes me feel really confident and amazing! Wow! <3


    5 months ago
  • inanutshell

    i love the chrysalis metaphor here, and the religious aspects fit so well! there are so many lines in this that i love - 'i tried to suture the infested splits in my chest but they only close with/concrete tears and self love, no worries/i just have to/reinvent myself', 'gods don't listen to those who don't believe/i guess you aren't supposed to ask them to love you when you can't' - i think everyone on here can relate exactly to what it feels like being unsatisfied with everything we've written, and i feel like that's actually okay! we all need a self-revision to reset every once in a while to re-focus and readjust; it's okay, take your time, and above all, know who you are & what you're writing for. honestly don't know where i was going with this comment but i'm here for your reinvention! :)


    5 months ago
  • outoftheblue

    chrys, even though this is different from your usual style, it's still absolutely incredible. you're an amazing, talented person and you shouldn't feel unsatisfied with your writing, ya know, cause artist are their own worst critics. seriously, though, maybe you don't always get the recognition you deserve, but your kindness and way with words mean that you deserve so much more. i'm glad to have found your writing, and possibly, a friend in you <3


    5 months ago
  • sunny.v

    noooo i love how you used butterflies to help with the theme of reinvention :(( bc butterflies go thru that chrys(HA)alis stage :(( that’s so genius, I—. a queen. why do you feel unsatisfied?? love, this is awesome, and honestly, i feel like you’ve just been on an upward growth in your writing! “ o' beautiful future why do you keep killing butterflies?” really got me. it’s a melancholy and wild tone at the same time, and i adore that. i adore you! we stan our most awesome angsty talented queen. love you chrys.
    ps i’m stealing your words again but i hope the next decision you make brings you happiness <3 say bye bye to inferiority complex. bring on some superiority! (Maybe LOL i’m exaggerating) come on, where’s my confident chrys?? i love her!!


    5 months ago