Peer Review by seaomelette (United Arab Emirates)

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vignettes of a drive-in cinema

By: aosora


FREE WRITING


two full moons sip qahwa by rose-gold dunes/ clammy scent clings to the july sky/ bitter aphrodisiac stripped/ naked in porcelain tombs 

nothing feels like nothing/ between gold plated molars and/ the glint in the smile of airy teenagers/ that birth the weight of loneliness in open graves/ they say the wound does not hurt/ in cold blue flesh/ in the decay of dead dreams 

all of the desert at midnight/ tastes like too much swallowed ink/ insides of unkissed mouths gaping like nietzsche's void/ there is no love for children who do not cry/ and madness seeped with kerosene/ kicks up a warm storm on shredded eyelids

kaze ga totemo aoi/ four rifts in the seam of being/ close the dismal space between hollow legs/ no red strings shall be born of vacant paradises/ lips cracked beyond droughts/ aches that fall asleep

 


kaze ga totemo aoi : the wind is so blue 

spring has disappeared and in its place, devilish summer. bolt the windows. everything is boiling. perhaps, a film?

 

Peer Review

The amazing imagery definitely moved me! I really love all the vivid adjectives and phrases you used (i.e. rose-gold dunes, vacant paradises), and also how they fit together so melodically (i.e. alliteration on "decay of dead dreams").


I think you could further explore the meaning behind phrases like "there is no love for children who do not cry" and "the wound does not hurt". Everything's really beautifully written, but I think that going a bit deeper into their meaning would elevate this piece even more.


Reviewer Comments

Keep it up! I really enjoyed reading your writing!