joella

Israel

she/her | high school | wasian | enfp

i sip inked tea in someone else's garden

(formerly ★ white mountains ★)

Message to Readers

guess we're back to this again? #MentalHealthThroughUneditedAngstyPoetryClub
(shoutout to my co-president).

i honestly feel awful about my inactivity as of late; i'm missing out on so many great pieces, i know. to all of my (hopefully still?) friends (and everyone else!): it's not personal. i wish i could leave paragraph-long comments on every post of yours because your writing deserves it. i'm cheering you on in spirit.

plaster this plea across every peak, let it echo back to me

June 14, 2020

FREE WRITING

16
it's a perverse longing of sorts
to drown myself in the yesteryear/ synthetic sponges, invertebrate carcass, cleanse my soul with expired windex/ satin ribbon stretched across the expanse of my consciousness, i watched the fibers stretch taut as i broke through with the stamina of one high on artificial adrenaline
 
"i brought you here"
i whisper to a thousand nobodies, watch the wisp of a half-brained whisper echo off the white mountains, meaningless ripple in an ever-deepening pool/ cast away by the rising tide, ethereal refuge adorned in sea foam. do you remember when i stood above on the vantage point?

hold the trophy high
to display alongside peeling gold paint, scratched off the surface by jagged nails/ ripped and bleeding, exposed flesh/ i won once, i did, victory is stale and i sink baby teeth (not yet yellowed, not yet jaded by the passage of time) into the bread of my ego

i cannot quite elucidate this feeling
but it ricochets off whitewashed glory/ behind every indomitable spirit stands a broken child (you'll never be good enough)/ (is that why you write?)/ these fingertips are doused in watered-down purple, the amaranthine of summer popsicles swirls in bitter saliva

"you should be okay by now"
but i'm not/ i vilify myself anew each day, mantra throbbing in a heart that longs to feel something again/ i can evince the memories of joy/ while i tentatively take baby steps on shaky permafrost to reach the feeling itself/ living as a ghost of yourself is a hellish existence

i've never been good at self-love
always feels more like self-delusion






 
about the feeling of never feeling good enough. i cloud my angst writing with metaphors and random phrases. hopefully you can extract something from this mess. 

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  • June 14, 2020 - 2:48am (Now Viewing)

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12 Comments
  • mirkat

    just to echo the other comments... theis is beautiful and emotional and stunning and imagery and metaphors are phenomenal and i really truly hope you are feeling a bit better because people out there (here) care and wow am i rambling. welp i am here and this was a sorrowful yet amazing read. keep writing! <3<3<3


    24 days ago
  • acrosstheuniverse28

    Such beautiful writing for such a difficult and sad topic, the word choice and imagery is stunning! Please please please know that you ARE good enough; you are good enough to worry about how good you are, and that to me proves there's no reason not to love yourself. (Hopefully that made sense... I'm looking back not really sure if I English actually is my first language now...!)


    24 days ago
  • Emi

    This is really raw and full of emotion. Good work portraying such feelings—I just want to tell you that you are really talented and should never feel bad about yourself. You're amazing!


    6 months ago
  • fatpanda

    replying: thank you, you are too kind :"))
    i can honestly say that your words are often too powerful for me to digest; and I'm sorry for not being active enough to review/comment on any of your stuff. thank you for being so interactive, it makes my day!


    6 months ago
  • sunny.v

    :(( this was beautiful jo and so wonderfully raw. “ i vilify myself anew each day, mantra throbbing in a heart that longs to feel something again” awww. take your time, sweetheart. proud of you for this <3


    6 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    This is amazing and we miss you but it's okay that you're not active all the time it's okay to put yourself first sometimes


    6 months ago
  • happy butterfly

    Okayyyyyyy.i identify with this piece so much.Its so raw."(you'll never be good enough)/ (is that why you write?)/" this line is so powerful and I relate so much.Feeling that you're not good enough is a common theme in my life. I love this piece.Also your footnotes are my thoughts.
    Alllsooo about your message box:don't feel bad about being inactive,your mental health is way more important. I also took a break for a while because of the not good enough/I suck thing.And yes we are still friends.wait did you consider us friends? because I did.i still do .okay great I'm gonna go now.and just know that you are not alone!<3


    6 months ago
  • Chloe :) <3

    This piece is amazing !
    Replying: It was on the 13th of June, which for me (in Aus) was yesterday! Thanks for the wishes <3


    6 months ago
  • joella

    i just reread this and honestly it's pretty bad


    6 months ago
  • mia_:)

    Your footnotes are me in a nutshell! Such a stunning piece! Your last two stanzas were like a punch in the gut and I loved "these fingertips are doused in watered-down purple, the amaranthine of summer popsicles swirls in bitter saliva." I totally identify with this piece and it is so well written! Of course we're still friends! <3<3 *hands you a donut* Also, the #MentalHealthThroughUneditedAngstyPoetryClub? CAN I JOIN??? lol :) <3


    6 months ago
  • outoftheblue

    this piece is just so deeply personal and heartbreaking, you can tell.
    I love the comments you leave, they really make my day <3


    6 months ago
  • chrysanthemums&ink

    oh this was so beautifully raw. the fourth and fifth stanzas hit especially hard. "(you'll never be good enough)/ (is that why you write?)" that really... hit different. this whole piece was just so... open? raw, vulnerable. you're so amazing <3 i'm kinda at a loss for words. wow. call me naomi scott because i'm Speechless.
    *message box* oh? oH? high five woohoo! ofc we're still friends; it's okay to not be okay :).
    i hope the next decision you make brings you happiness :). donut? donut worry.


    6 months ago