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est. march 5, 2020

Message to Readers

I made some adjustments!! Please let me know what you think!

mourning your emerald gems and macadamia cookies | tw: death and depression | revised!

June 30, 2020



/ you could've been sleeping / no, you were / you had to be/ long lashes splayed over skin, corn husk surrounding the amber fruit inside / or were they violet? / it's been a week and your image is already blurry around the edges / wake up, sleeping beauty; nap time is over / please, please wake up / i'll never see your eyes again, save for in pictures / and the lens could never capture the knowing twinkle that always seemed present in the ocean of your iris / this can't be happening / mama opened the utility bill and fainted / i remained quiet, sipping cocoa at the counter / no one needs to know that i leave the shower running for hours at a time / i can pretend that you're in there, humming softly as you lather up your raven hair that i always envied / quit wasting water, don't you know we're in a drought? / how is it wasting if you're right around the corner, squeezing conditioner into travel bottles, waiting to step under the faucet? /

/ you were here and then you weren't / how can i continue to live my life when yours was snatched from you? / a low battery signal popped up on my phone; i couldn't bear to unplug your brass alarm clock / my phone recharges in the garage, hooked up to the only open outlet / i won't be the one to rip anything from life's electric currents / papa went to the farmers market and brought back green grapes, your favorite / mama silently retreated to her room as i popped an emerald gem into my mouth / crisp and cool, just as you like it / liked it / i hate past tense / now, we only eat mushy purple grapes and i mourn how you would have complained about them /

/ i'm sick of the pity, of the shoulder pats and meaningful gazes that / are meaningless / i've flunked every test since and no teacher docks my grade / i broke a teacup on purpose and mama just sighed and cleaned up the shards / why does it feel like i'm fading away? / for just one more moment with you, i'd eat all the mushy grapes in the world / i'd go volunteer, go do something other than wallow in my anguish, if only someone could siphon the grief from my veins / i'll never get to gossip with you about prom dates and first kisses / you'll never take my side in an argument or help me beat papa at foosball / who is to blame? / that's the worst part, that there's no one to shift these feelings onto / heart disease, heart disease, no one to blame / part of me wishes it were genetic / then papa or mama could be responsible / let them bear the grief instead of me / how terrible i am to wish that on them, but i can't rewrite the ache in my still-beating heart / 

/ i wish my heart would cease its song / life is fleeting and i have no one to share it with / i spend hours under my floral comforter, staring at your closed door through my open one / i always liked your room better /  baby blue walls, a well-loved window seat that i was always jealous about / i miss teasing you, crying with you, loving you / when you go to college, i get your room! / no you do not! mama, make her stop! / i can almost hear you telling me to snap out of it, but i instead retreat further into myself / you would let me read in your window seat while you showered and did homework, as long as i was quiet / i pull myself up off my mattress and turn on the shower head / not even the falling water can comfort me this time, though / for the first time, it really hits / you're gone, sis, and i'm alone / i cry a river, but i know i won't be able to build a bridge without your help /

/ mama's taken to slipping notes under my door / sometimes it's a quote or a doodle or a card from a friend / it doesn't matter; it's not in your handwriting / you took my secrets and my will to live as your heart betrayed you and me / always listen to your heart, you said / that's cheesy, i replied / well, it's true / but yours lied / it said you were fine and shattered, undetected / today's note is accompanied with a plate of cookies, macadamia, your favorite / mama's been baking them lately, to try to snap me out of my funk / i never eat them / but, today, i nibble around the nuts and savor your memory / i glance at the card /  life has no limitations, except the ones you make ~ les brown / you wouldn't want me to stay in my room forever, but i can't bring myself to leave / i'll be vulnerable, exposed, sad / it's scary / so i make my bed, and sit on the clean side of my duvet, feeling calm for the first time in months /

/ mama insists that we go to the clinic, to be screened for heart disease / precautions, they say / i almost refuse, thinking that if the same disease takes me, it will be a relief / no / it won't / so i get in the car without a fight and sit on the left side, imagining you forever on my right, forever whispering advice in my ear / be strong / we'll get through this together / i watch the city stream by outside my window and let my mind think past the pain /

/ i need to stop pretending that you'll sweep aside the shower curtain with a flourish / you're gone and i'm sad and that's okay / mama tells me that you'll always be in my heart and i know it's true / papa is having surgery tomorrow / the doctors found a large blood clot in the screening / a heart attack in the works, the nurse had joked / none of us found it funny / you saved his life / i still miss the way your eyes would brim with tears when i cried to you / i'll always crave your dazzling smile that stopped folks in their tracks / but you're okay and so am i / or, at least i will be / and as the earth rotates and winter turns to spring, i lift my head toward the sky and say hello to you, and to new beginning /

This is supposed to mirror the 7 stages of grief and the healing process

Still in my writer's block, but at least I was able to produce something, even if it wasn't good

Thank you fatpanda for your amazing review!!

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  • Wicked!

    I adore this piece! The little details you added make it all the more poignant. Consider adding in the names of the stage (denial/anger, etc) with the numerals though; I think that it'd add to the format and the concept here.

    5 months ago
  • amaryllis

    gosh, i wish my writer's block could produce this. this is a masterpiece, and there aren't words to describe it because they wouldn't feel like enough. i just want to read it over and over to soak in every little detail. *thunderous applause*

    5 months ago
  • BirdofPrey

    how. did. you. write. this. This is so amazing! I must have read it at least ten times

    5 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    I must have been in a rush when I first read this because this time it stopped me in my tracks. I am absolutely floored by every minuscule detail that seems insignificant, but you showed their significance. I'm quite honestly speechless at this point.

    5 months ago