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est. march 5, 2020

Message to Readers

no clue what this is, honestly, but at least it's something! I'd love some feedback on places i could expand with more abstract thoughts and imagery and I really need title ideas!

thankfully not based on a true story, but my heart goes out to those who face this reality and I'm here for you <3

mourning your emerald gems and macadamia cookies | tw: death and depression | revised!

June 20, 2020



/ you could've been sleeping / no, you were / you had to be/ long lashes splayed over eyelids, corn husk surrounding the amber fruit inside, or were they violet? / it's been a week and your image is already blurry around the edges / wake up, sleeping beauty; nap time is over / please, please wake up / i'll never see your eyes again, save for in pictures / and the lens could never capture the knowing twinkle that always seemed present in the ocean of your iris / this can't be happening / mama opened the utility bill and fainted / i remained quiet, sipping cocoa at the counter / no one needs to know that i leave the shower running for hours at a time / i can pretend that you're in there, humming softly as you lather up your raven hair that i always envied / quit wasting water, don't you know we're in a drought? / how is it wasting if you're right around the corner, squeezing conditioner into travel bottles, waiting to step under the faucet? /

/ you were here and then you weren't / how can i continue to live my life when yours was snatched from you? / a low battery signal popped up on my phone; i couldn't bear to unplug your brass alarm clock / my phone recharges in the garage, hooked up to the only open outlet / i won't be the one to rip anything from life's electric currents / papa went to the farmers market and brought back green grapes, your favorite / mama silently retreated to her room as i popped an emerald gem into my mouth / crisp and cool, just as you like it / liked it / i hate past tense / now, we only eat mushy purple grapes and i mourn how you would have complained about them /

/ i'm sick of the pity, of the shoulder pats and meaningful gazes that are meaningless / i've flunked every test since and no teacher docks my grade / i shattered a teacup on purpose and mama just sighed and cleaned it up / why does it feel like i'm fading away? / for just one more moment with you, i'd eat all the mushy grapes in the world / i'd go volunteer, go do something other than wallow in my anguish, if only someone could siphon the grief from my veins / i'll never get to gossip with you about prom dates and first kisses / you'll never take my side in an argument or help me beat papa at foosball / who is to blame? / that's the worst part, that there's no one to shove these feelings onto / heart disease, heart disease, no one to blame / part of me wishes it were genetic / then papa or mama could bear the grief instead of me / how terrible i am to wish that on them, but i can't rewrite the ache in my still-beating heart / 

/ i wish my heart would cease its song / life is fleeting and i have no one to share it with / i spend hours under my floral comforter, staring at your closed door through my open one / i always liked your room better /  baby blue walls, a well-loved window seat that i was always jealous about / i miss teasing you, crying with you, loving you / when you go to college, i get your room! / no you do not! mama, make her stop! / i can almost hear you telling me to snap out of it, but i instead retreat further into myself / you would let me read in your window seat while you showered and did homework, as long as i was quiet / i pull myself up off my mattress and turn on the shower head / not even the falling water can comfort me this time, though / for the first time, it really hits / you're gone, sis, and i'm alone / i cry a river, but i know i won't be able to build a bridge without your help /

/ mama's taken to slipping notes under my door / sometimes it's a quote or a doodle or a card from a friend / it doesn't really matter; no one knew me like you / you took my secrets and my will to live as your heart betrayed you and me / always listen to your heart, you said / that's cheesy, i replied / well, it's true / but yours lied / it said you were fine and slipped in undetected / today's note is accompanied with a plate of cookies, macadamia, your favorite / mama's been baking them lately, to try to snap me out of my funk / i never eat them / but, today, i nibble around the nuts and savor your memory / i glance at the card /  life has no limitations, except the ones you make ~ les brown / you wouldn't want me to stay in my room forever, but i can't bring myself to leave / i'll be vulnerable, exposed, sad / it's scary / so i make my bed, and sit on the clean side of my duvet, feeling calm for the first time in months /

/ mama insists that we go to the clinic, to be screened for heart disease / precautions, they say / i almost refuse, thinking that if the same disease takes me, it will be a relief / no / it won't / so i get in the car without a fight and sit on the left side, imagining you forever on my right, forever whispering advice in my ear / be strong / we'll get through this together / i watch the city stream by outside my window and let my mind think past the pain /

/ i need to stop pretending that you'll sweep aside the shower curtain with a flourish / you're gone and i'm sad and that's okay / mama tells me that you'll always be in my heart and i know it's true / papa is having surgery tomorrow / the doctors found a large blood clot thanks to the screening / a heart attack in the works, the nurse had joked / none of us found it funny / you saved his life / i still miss the way your eyes would brim with tears when i cried to you / i'll always crave your dazzling smile that stopped folks in their tracks / but you're okay and so am i / or, at least i will be / and as the earth rotates and winter turns to spring, i lift my head toward the sky and say hello to you, and to new beginning /

This is supposed to mirror the 7 stages of grief and the healing process

Still in my writer's block, but at least I was able to produce something, even if it wasn't good

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  • Anne Blackwood

    Replying: Yeah and it was amazing watermelon too lol.

    4 months ago
  • elliem

    Review coming soon!

    4 months ago
  • sunny.v

    replying: haha it’s no problem! and no. JUST KIDDINGGG go ahead!! that’d be awesome oh my gosh i’m so flattered?? wow! so excited to see it!!!

    4 months ago
  • And_The_Stars_Laughed

    Wow, this is breathtaking, you conveyed the stages of grief so phenomenally! Incredible job!

    4 months ago
  • sunny.v

    coming back to reread this, and it’s still as heart wrenching and soul pouring as the first few times i read it! hehe
    (also you don’t have to answer this at all, but: how have you been, dear? haha i’m probably being wayyy too overreactive, but i just haven’t seen your bouncy self active as much lately. agh. im so sorry if ive said something i shouldn’t have! just wanna know that you’re alright and im here for you!! again so sorry if i’ve crossed a line, please let me know!! <3 )

    4 months ago
  • kealoha

    This is breathtaking, absolutely gorgeous :)

    4 months ago
  • happy butterfly

    Simply beautiful. I think this is one of my favorite pieces on wtw,I mean that sincerely. <3

    4 months ago
  • Deleted User

    this is lovely. i’m so in love with it!!!

    4 months ago
  • sunny.v

    wow. just wow. you really mirrored the 7 stages of grief so perfectly mia i actually teared up :(( chrys said it so right: “it’s not okay, but it’s going to be okay.” this hit super duper hard :(

    4 months ago
  • joella

    reply: ahahaha yes!! chrys said i was setting my sights high when i claimed CEO position but see? we already have another member ;)

    4 months ago
  • joella

    you said this isn't something you've personally experienced but this piece is amazing. the seemingly random details and snippets of color sprinkled throughout the piece come together to create something heartwrenchingly beautiful. wow <3

    4 months ago
  • chrysanthemums&ink

    read the article and wow, you really did capture it perfectly. this was a whole journey and i love that in the end, it's not okay, but it's going to be okay. this was so good ;-;

    4 months ago