HelpMe512

United States

Ace
He/Him
Transphobes stay out
Joined September 2019
Unofficial WtW Therapist

"If I wait 'til my tomorrow comes, is the waiting all I've ever done?"
-Ben Platt

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-100 Bad Days by AJR

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How rare and beautiful it is to even exist"
-Saturn by Sleeping At Last.

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how i discovered my identity | pride month day 11

June 11, 2020

FREE WRITING

15

i saw a prompt talking about self discovery, so i felt like i should share my journey of self discovery for pride month. here we go:
it started when i was young, though i wasn't sure what it was called. i hated dresses, and refused to wear anything "girly". i shopped in the boys section at the store and often stole clothes and toys from my brother. that's normal though, right? my parents told me i was a tomboy and moved on. a little later in life, i started to be obsessed with looking like a boy. but i never really told anyone, so i again just looked like a tomboy. looking back, i always got really happy whenever someone mistook me for a boy, and i remember one time not really understanding that my brother and parents were laughing at that for a different reason than i was. when i started middle school, that was when everything changed. everything was suddenly super socially-centered, and i was thrown into the mix. the first year went fine, and everyone else thought me a tomboy, just like always. then i moved schools. then i had a fresh start. the new school was more diverse and open, and could i be something other than just a tomboy? i made friends with all sorts of people, but a group of them was LGBTQ+. this fascinated me because i had never learned about anything like that before. so i took to the internet. of course, i knew what "gay" was but that was about it. i watched so many videos explaining the community, sharing experiences, and just being proud. i fell in love with the community. i watched more and more and eventually stumbled across the trans creators. i was shocked at how i related to them so much, especially the ftm ones. i never even knew it was an option to be transgender, but now everything was suddenly becoming clearer, though some i was still confused about. later that year, i came out to my parents as bi. i still didn't know who i was, but any label is better than none. i loved labels, so much so that i would change them frequently to try to describe myself. anyways, my dad took it without a care, but my mom tried to tell me that i'm straight. so i went back into the closet. during this time, i told myself that i would only deal with this sexuality confusion, and there's no way i'm trans. so i tried to deal with it alone, researching different sexualities and trying them on for size. eventually, i found "pansexual" and i liked it. however, i knew it wasn't quite me, so i went with "panromantic" and "asexual". i felt those describe me best, and i still do. because i was still in the closet, i went to the internet for support. because as much as i felt comfortable with my sexuality, there was another elephant in the room. my gender. and this time, i couldn't ignore it because the dysphoria was getting worse. i went into a spiral during this time. i didn't know who i was supposed to be anymore, and it caused my anxiety to grow. it was consuming me, and i knew i needed to do something. so i started to try to figure out my gender. at first, i knew i wasn't female, and wasn't sure if i was male. i felt in between. but nonbinary wasn't quite what i was looking for. it just seemed... off. so i looked into more labels. genderfluid was one i considered, but i discarded it because although i didn't feel like a boy, a girl, or a nonbinary person, i didn't change between them. but i couldn't find anything else so i started going by they/them pronouns online to see how i liked it. i loved it, though i didn't like the nonbinary label. but they/them pronouns made me so incredibly happy and comfortable. but i still was bothered by the whole label thing so i asked around for people to help me. then, everything clicked. someone told me that transmasculine was a thing, and someone else told me what demiboy was. finally, labels that fit who i am. i found that i really liked the idea of being in between nonbinary and male, and since i also really liked he/him pronouns, i loved he/they pronouns. it was such a relief to know who i was, but i still hid myself away. a while later, i couldn't resist the temptation to be this happy all the time, not just online. so i told a friend, who was instantly accepting and used my pronouns. it made me feel amazing, so i told my brother. he was awesome too. then, i told my parents (they're still getting used to it), and the rest is history. i'm so excited that i know who i am now.
lowercase intentional.
wow thanks for making it through that. i'd love to hear your journey, so please comment with your story of self discovery. thank you all for helping me find who i am. <3

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  • June 11, 2020 - 4:15pm (Now Viewing)

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9 Comments
  • Sadiez

    Replying:
    Okay brilliant thanks! I will do. I’ll comment a link to my piece when I’ve finished it. Thanks again :)


    6 months ago
  • crow_e

    ayy transmasc ppl rise up

    thanks for posting this! it can be so hard to share your journey, and it’s really awesome that you could do that here!


    6 months ago
  • Maya'sTired

    Thank you


    6 months ago
  • Sadiez

    Thank you so much for sharing your journey, I think it takes a lot of courage to be this open, and it is amazing and inspiring that you are. And it’s so great that you highlighted the importance of pronouns. This is a brilliant very vulnerable and open piece. It’s truly awesome!

    In terms of my journey, I would really like to write a piece talking about my journey inspired by your piece. Would that be okay with you?


    6 months ago
  • mia_:)

    I agree with everyone! You are so brave, talented, and amazing! That can't have been easy for you, but you took it in stride! Thank you so much for sharing your story, since it's an inspiration for the rest of us! Also, thank you for also making sure to mention the importance of pronouns! This is such an important piece and I can't think of anyone to better write it! <3


    6 months ago
  • sunny.v

    wow. i’ve said this before, but you really are such a brave person. your journey must have been hard, but i’m happy that you are where you are now! as for my journey, well, i’ve figured things out, but it’s kinda hard to break it to very traditional parents. at least we have a community here to rely on each other? <3


    6 months ago
  • EliathRose

    It's so refreshing, at least for me, to hear about other people's experiences with discovering who they are and sorting themselves out. It reminds me that I'm not alone. Thank you so much for sharing your story!


    6 months ago
  • poetri

    This is SO important. I love how you really emphasized how important pronouns are here and I'm so happy you've been met mostly with support! You have grown so much since you've been on wtw as a person and a writer and I'm so happy for you :)


    6 months ago
  • outoftheblue

    I remember the first piece of yours that I read on here- "I Am Trans", and I remember thinking that you were such a brave, talente d person, and honestly, this piece has made me believe that even more. <3 thank you so much for sharing your story with WtW.
    and as for mine- I guess I'm still struggling a lot with my identity and sexuality, so hopefully I will figure that out in the future.
    Happy Pride! <3


    6 months ago