Peer Review by And_The_Stars_Laughed (United States)

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The Things Between You Two

By: BizzleWrites


FREE WRITING

Love poetry; it is always about our feelings, I want it to be about your feelings
The way your smiles met each-others eyes
The way her hair was silky
Yours was so wild
And when you smiled at each other
The world was there
In that small piece of chewing gum
Or in many a stolen glace
I didn't know your feelings 
But then last summer
Years later it was
You told us the truth
About you and her
The story of love
And a tale of loss
Most people will tell you
That you will not find true love
At the age of seven
How wrong they are
I want this for her 
And I want this for you
Just tell her the truth
She could have feeling for you
So when playgrounds are empty
And we're children no-longer 
Please remember these words
And please tell her your thoughts 
But for now we're still teenagers
Talking about who fancies whom
So just wait a little longer
And turn around on a full moon


Peer Review

I was immediately drawn into this piece by the first line, as it prompted me to think about what it was saying in its aphoristic tone. I especially like how you italicized the "our" and the "your" as that really emphasized the point that the poem was to be about whoever the "your" is in the poem. I also enjoyed the sensory details you wove in, such as the lines "The way her hair was silky / your was wild..." -- these really cast a vivid picture in my mind. Besides the use of sensory details, I think you did a wonderful job using symbolism as well -- I love the line "So when the playgrounds are empty / and when we're children no-longer," for in a way, these two lines made me feel nostalgic. The way I see it, the poem is conveying the innocence and wonder of being a child and then contrasting this image by hinting at that when you grow up, that awe sort of fades away. But then, at the end, I see another glimpse of that "wonder," adding a whole new depth to the piece. Perhaps my favorite lines in the entire poem are the last ones "But for now we're still just teenagers / Talking about who fancies whom / So just wait a little longer / And turn around on a full moon." Great job!!! :)


Perhaps I would consider expanding the idea of "growing up." Throughout the first half of the piece, there are subtle hints woven in that suggest a sort of childlike innocence through the phrases "In that small piece of chewing gum..." "At the age of seven..." etc. And then, a line appears that juxtapositions that, as mentioned earlier (So when the playgrounds are empty / and we're children no-longer..."). This really rounds out the whole piece and I thoroughly enjoyed this, so my suggestion to you would be to think about how it might impact your poem if you added more instances of what it is like to be young before this last line. These can just be little snippets such as when you mentioned chewing gum as this, too, evokes a sort of child-like innocence in its symbolism. However, feel free not to omit to these suggestions as your piece is so well-done already, I really enjoyed it!! :)


Reviewer Comments

Overall, this was a really fun piece to read and review!! Great work -- I'll be looking out for more of your writing on this site!!! :)