Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
Message to Readers
I REALLY need some feedback! <3
Your subject matter is incredibly eye-opening, fresh, informative, and delivered in an easy to understand and engaging tone. I have no food allergies, and evidently, after reading this, I’ve sorely taken that for granted. I had no idea how much food allergies could really affect someone, and between going back and forth through different parts of your essay, I realized how little I truly knew, and how much more people need to read about this.
Your essay truly goes above and beyond food. The struggles involved with someone’s financial status, how you celebrate holidays like Thanksgiving, and how you explore psychological feelings of trust and paranoia are all extremely compelling. Something as simple as a gluten-free turkey rub makes or breaks your dinner, and the way you feel like you have to grill people before eating touched me so much.
You do greatly to keep the reader engaged with short, easy flowing anecdotes, and a casual but compelling tone. However, in some parts, I feel like you could do more to emphasize your tone. In your anecdotes (as I’ve highlighted), you could tie more horrifying experiences back to you, and display more of how your emotions affect you.
In my opinion, you have the best beginning hook I’ve seen. I wouldn’t suggest changing it: your use of the word “poisoned” had me raising my eyebrows. However, if you do decide to change it, perhaps put “poisoned” earlier in the sentence?
In short words, this was so eye-opening. I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t know the severity of allergies before reading this. You do an amazing job at keeping my attention and really walking me through how this affects your future college experience, your family, your trust of other people, and even just your holidays. You have a stunning and natural use of your research, and I can’t see anything to fix in regards to that except for your sentence structure.
This is a great first draft and incredibly informative. It’s such an original experience, and I tried to capture as much of the essence of your essay as I could in my highlights/comments so I could really try to make it shine. This deserves more light, truly, and you do a stellar job at showing how universal this problem can be while walking through your own personal experiences. If you have questions, feel free to converse with me, and I’ll do my best to help where I can. And definitely, if you need help with your conclusion (which I feel could be expanded on), I’m here to help! Awesome work, keep it up!