qiyan

Singapore

Hi! I'm Qiyan and I like to write.
She/Her

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Happy pride month to all! Thank you for clicking on my profile. Any feedback or comments on my writing are greatly appreciated :D

modern loneliness

May 29, 2020

FREE WRITING

5
they begin a skype call at 10.30pm, but you're not invited. belatedly, they extend a lifeline to you. well, not you specifically. everyone.

you bluetick them. you know you're being petty while they're being exclusive, for the invitation is as superficial as the smile you've plastered on your face. your cheeks hurt from the futility of fighting against gravity. your eyes are burningーwith uncalled for tears, or with the unabridled rage of a hundred dying suns. who knows? certainly no one cares.

ah, modern life is making us lonelyーor so they say. for how trivial everything is! how meaningless! why do we even try? there's always the penchant to keep in touch, stay bonded, talk more, don't be shy, have fun. we parade our google meets and zoom calls on the internet; play skribbl.io and jackbox.tv; post daily vlogs on our shared class account. to prove to the world that yes, we are Bonded and yes, all of us are doing perfectly fine in quarantine.

but mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the loneliest of them all? why document every little activity and broadcast it to the world? why do we trick ourselves into thinking that these meaningful meaningless gestures mean something, when we're all suffering? when we haven't seen our friends in ages, the most casual brush of fingers, a gentle tap on the back. virtual everything, but i yearn for something real.

and sometimes, we find ourselves well and truly alone. stranded, with too much time on our hands. someoneーthe class rep, or a fellow peerーextends an invitation.

too late.

10.30pm on a saturday night, another skype call is ongoing. has been ongoing for 1hr 54m 19s. the friendship, for 8 years now. you chat with her: your childhood friend you haven't seen in a while. you feel hysterical, ranting about your troubles in class. the dam breaks, and everything comes spilling out.

how you crave validation! how you yearn to be seen! heard! felt! loved! accepted! but you gain none of these from your classmates, so you only take the meagre emotional support and familiarity that your childhood friend can offer. perhaps that is good enough, but can it ever sate your inner restlessness for something more?

you, are a wanderer. you are fickle as a passing moth, flitting from one candle to the next. longing to feel something, connect with someone, but only being burnt, over and over again.

you, are waiting. you are in the liminal space between one stage of friendship and the next; the transition room. there is no door.

you, are tired. tired of the masks and the pretences. tired of having to face the world with a contrived smile. the false pleasantries; lukewarm cordiality. you, wish there was something more to the friendships you shared with your classmates other than tiktoks and wefies. you, ache deep down for the genuine thingー

ーbut your friend disconnects, and the call has ended. you are left with nothing but the ashes of your failures, and the bitter taste of disappointment in your mouth.

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6 Comments
  • Anlee

    this piece really speaks to me. so, so good <33


    26 days ago
  • Brielle P. Chor

    'you, wish there was something more to the friendships you shared with your classmates other than tiktoks and wefies. you, ache deep down for the genuine thing---' this is so poignant and relatable (to be honest, sometimes I feel this way about the people I'm with, and it makes me real disappointed with my life choices, but I try to brush it off most of the time). It's heartening to find another fellow Singaporean writer! Can't wait to see more of your works:))


    6 months ago
  • inanutshell

    this is so well-written! could feel the anger & loneliness through this piece. i know it may seem like another superficial statement, but i do hope you feel better. no one ever deserves to feel like this.


    6 months ago
  • Nomi Noo

    This is amazing keep it up


    6 months ago
  • outoftheblue

    This is gorgeous. And it's super relatable, you've captured these feelings so beautifully. So glad you joined WtW!


    6 months ago
  • poetri

    This. THIS. I will come back to this again and again, it is absolutely gorgeous. I applaud you.
    Welcome to wtw!


    6 months ago