Peer Review by Briali Rain (United States)

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modern-day artemis (REWRITTEN IN 2020) edited

By: muirann


FREE WRITING

the stars fall through her fingers like running water. 
i can't help but gaze at the way her lips when they crinkle up in a smile and the curve of her breast as she dances in sync to the wind and the howling behind the threes. 
it's as if the moon is projecting herself downwards, animating her as my savior.
the earth so welcoming under my feet and my cheeks burned pink by the bite of the night air,
the stars are falling now. 

this is shorter than the other version and honestly didn't take very long to write. unlike my other poems, which take hours, this one took barely ten minutes. i just spewed out the words in a torrential pour and didn't feel the need to change anything. please give peer reviews :)

Peer Review

"she dances in sync to the wind" i like very much. It tells a lot about that character, as well as the other lines that give really well visualization.


I'm intrigued on what is happening. She seems like a free spirit that loves to dance. On the other hand, I don't know much about the 1st persons point of view. The character who "can't help but gaze". I think it would be cool to continue your poem by going by the girls perspective, "why is this person gazing at me?"


Reviewer Comments

All in all, I thought this piece was amazing and would love to see what you may add to it. Elaborating a bit on who's perspective were reading from could bring more interest on the two characters together.