Peer Review by inanutshell (Singapore)

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She tells lies

By: ~wildflower~


FREE WRITING

She is as readable as an open book,
emotions rolling by like stormlcouds on the wind,
each one stark and intense and refusing to be dimmed.
Fuelled by the smouldering ashes of severed hope 
burning deep within that look,
they demand attention and stain the sky,
Yet even the words of an open book
can tell
lies.

Her shoulders slump so low
that they brush the ground
and her gaze contains oceans dried to salt
But I cannot tell,
If that ocean’s really a well,
and I’m about to fall to its hidden assault.
She pleads with that pitiful glint in her eyes,
But I cannot tell if it’s just a disguise,
If that gaze, that flashlight, is blinding my true sight.

She moans and she pleads,
she cries of betrayed needs,
yet even with that look of pure despair
she can tell
lies
beyond my recognition
or repair.

This was inspired by the look my dog gives me when she wants me to take her for a walk. I know - it’s very exaggerated. I just went all out spiralling through descriptions. I hope I didn’t take it too far...

Peer Review

really love the open book metaphor used here. also the rhyming lines here are used really well, at times they sound like limericks! was surprised to know that this was inspired by your dog - this is a great take on something that started out as small as that! i don't think you exaggerated it here, i really like it.


As it is, I think it's good. but I think more can be said here about the girl if you choose to fictionalise her- she lies but what are her motives and goals? and also maybe the persona's relation to her could be included as well. i think this piece can benefit by delving deeper into something like a character study, by fleshing out the girl more.


Reviewer Comments

this caught my attention but what really solidified it was finding out this was inspired by your dog. haha really love it, pls write more about your dog and say hi to her for me if you can!! :)