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My Passions:
-Computer science.

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-Tabletop games.

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May 14, 2020


    "It'll be okay,"
    "Just let us handle it,"
     and "Don't worry,"
    stand for "You're retarded,"
    "Let capable people like us handle it,"
    and "Shut up and stop bothering us."
    Honestly, I can't think of a way to make this less okay that isn't as effective as them saying these things. Even if they said "You're retarted,"
    "Let capable people like us handle it,"
    and "Shut up and stop bothering us," it would not have as big of an effect as the code for it. Saying the code makes me have to think about what it actually means, so I linger on these mean meanings much longer. Of course, if I told them this, they would say things like,
    "We mean exactly what we say, and nothing more,"
    and "You are simply questioning the world, a natural thing to do, but it doesn't mean that life is a lie,"
    which mean, "Damn, you're on to us, and we need to make you forget it,"
    "You should believe falsehoods so you'll still be in the dark,"
    and "Your stupid and what you think can't be taken seriously."
    I'm tired of being "retarded" and "stupid" and "in the dark," and I know exactly zero on how to get rid of these traits.

    I look up on a dusty night, and see just three stars. I don't know their names, nor do I care, but the way they twinkle reminds me of something. I can't think what.
    Maybe I am retarded and stupid. Maybe it is my fault that they say what they say.
    "Fine," I yell, "I'm retarded and stupid! Just like you say! I'll leave it to you capable people to do everything, while I lie hear with the false hope that it will all be okay."
    No answer, or really, they answer ","
    meaning "We can see you're accepting what we want, but you shouldn't be allowed to know that you're stupid, or else you wouldn't be as stupid,"
    so I say, "Fine! I'm completely intelligent and that's why I'm not allowed to do anything! You only mean what you mean and nothing more."
    Now they really are speechless. It dawns on me that it's their fault I'm such a moron. They're jerks, and now I'm a moron. Dawn dawns on me, and reminds me of that I'm in the middle of an empty field. I look all around, and can see that there's not a human being less then many miles near me. I'm alone.
    They're still watching me, hearing me, and I know it. They always are.

    I'm in a house in the woods, because I've finally escaped from them, accept I know I haven't. For their benefit, and my own, I shout, "Yes! Nobody's watching me! Nobody's hearing me! Yes, yes, yes!" Exactly what they'd want to hear from me - I'm buying the illusion, I truly believe I'm finally rid of them. To be honest, I kind of want to hear the same from myself.
    "Remember, don't leave HQ,"
    "We need you here,"
    and "There's a dangerous world out there,"
    meant "Leave HQ, we don't care,"
    "You need us, but you can leave and we'll still have you,"
    and "There's a whole world out there that you won't be able to enter even if you do leave HQ." They knew they could still watch me, listen to every word I say, every movement I make, even if I left them. Because I can't really leave them. That would require an effort, and an effort from them mostly.
    I need to keep moving, or they'll know. I don't know what they'll know, but they'll know, and I need to keep moving.

    I'm in the middle of the desert, starving, dehydrated, coughing. I can barely think. They can probably see me, and can think about what I'm doing better than I can. They know what I'm gonna do before I do.
    Well, there's not much I can do except wait for them to come and help me. Or maybe a sandstorm will come and take me first, I don't know. They probably know.
    I look at the sky, and notice the coming of night, the coming of cooler weather. The twinkling sand floats up to the sky, and there are so many twinkles in the sky now - it is not a dusty night.
    But I sure am dusty down here, in risk of biting.

    I'm still in the middle of the desert, and I think I'm dying. I don't know how long it's been, but I think it's been a long time.
    "It'll be okay,"
    "Just let us handle it,"
    and "Don't worry,"
    meant "It's won't be okay,"
    "We'll handle it in a way that harms you,"
    and "You have everything to worry about including death."
    Then again, there's nothing I can do, so why should I worry? I'm probably dying, and they are the only ones who can save me.
    "Save me," I call, "save me," knowing, almost hoping, that the answer will be
    meaning "No."
    I am dying, and I know it. I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die now.
    The world will slip away, and it is slipping away.
    There's nothing left for me to hold on to, so I might as well push off.
    Goodbye world, hello darkness.
    Come on, darkness, come to me, come to me.
    I will dissolve in the nothingness.
    I will no longer exist.
    I must no longer exist.
    I don't exist.
    There is no me.
    Come on, come on, come on.
    Yes, it's working.
    I'm gone.

    I'm awake, and I don't know where, and something feels wrong about this, and I don't know why.
    At least I know that everything they say to me, and every way they treat me, is right. They are always correct, and I can never be one of them, and now I know why. Actually, come to think of it, I forget why. But I'm sure I once knew why, and anyways, what matters is that there is a why, a reason, and there is, I know there is, there has to be.
    They're watching me, hearing me, shrinking me, excluding me, and I say, "Thank you," and they reply, "You're welcome," and I will never ask for freedom again, and I will never wish I was one of the, because I'm not like that anymore, and I know my place now, and I can hear the twinkle in their satisfied eyes, and it's louder than the twinkle in mine.


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1 Comment
  • Charisse Marison

    Woah. That was so powerful! It's terrible when people have a hidden message behind what they say, almost as if they're lying to you, and you captured that so well! Fantastic!

    9 months ago