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United States

i'm here i'm queer and also kinda tired but not
i don't know what i'm writing most of the time but we don't talk about that
love yourselves you beautiful hoomans <3333

Message from Writer

If you have questions I cannot answer them as I do not know the answers either - I don't think things through they just happen at 5 in the morning after I haven't slept at all sorry

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May 12, 2020

PROMPT: Farsick

0
I'd like to find a home. I suppose I do have a home. A good one, at that. A loving, caring home. But, is it really home? A place where I must keep up a mask of who I supposedly "am"? Where I am scared, terrified of what might become of me if I really show myself? Even more terrifying is, I'm the one that caused this. I pretend to be a cheerful little girl, no problems at all; I don't worry my parents. When I'm hurt, I stay silent, and keep up the facade. Even at school, with my friends, I keep the mask on. I pretend that I'm fine, I pretend that the world isn't crumbling around me. I pretend that I'm happy, I pretend that I'm not tired, I pretend that I'm okay. And they believe me. No one questions my smile, no one questions my facade. And sometimes, even I fall for it. I can be half of myself around some people, but never my whole self. I can be queer around some friends, but I keep the mask on. I can lower the mask around others, but I don't show my rainbow. Some may say it's manipulative, some say I'm fake, but it's all because of my small, inner voice saying, they'll leave if they knew who you are... So I suppose, I should find a safe place. A real home, where I can lower my mask and simply be me. It's really all I ask of anyone. A real home, where everyone can be themselves without a worry. They can lower their facades and be a family. A real home, with a warm bed, good food, and fun times. But... maybe I am at my real home, and I just haven't unlocked it yet. Even if I did find this "real home", I would be in the same situation as I am now, still worrying about everyone else finding me out. Maybe I could show half of myself, but never could I show all. Maybe the problem isn't my home, but myself. I need to find a way to lower my guard, trust in others. I guess past experiences haven't helped with that. I fear that everyone is also holding a mask, that inside, they actually don't consider themselves my friends, that they actually despise me. Me, and my fake persona. I know it's not true, but I have a small doubt that grows whenever I think about it. I shouldn't think about it, but I can't help it. I can only hope to escape the hole I've dug for myself. Maybe if I asked for help, I'd be able to get out. I'd like to find a home, one that has people I trust, that has people that can help me find the end of the tunnel. I suppose I do have a home, then.
doesn't really follow the prompt too well, but i tried :)

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