Peer Review by Dmoral (United States)

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photograph of guardian spirit of the waters (#ekphrasis2)

By: r|A|i|N


FREE WRITING

Here is a sailboat, safe.
Here the sun is what we see, and the shadows run ink-black through the ocean, beneath the smooth lips of the waves.  My sails are bright wings, and my boat is an inkwell, and I watch the seagulls as they slip between shades, and the bright white tosses their slim bodies in and out of loose black threads.
God loves the ocean.  On little Wings He has drifted to the salty depths and dipped His Nose into the pools.  Ocean bit His black Eyes until a stubbled Mouth smiled and shadows pooled in happy half-circles at his Muzzle. 
Captured by the boat at sea, I reach for Him with long, solid arms and wish to clasp the kind Face between my material hands.
A paper-bright sun runs sleek through the ocean and touches the brights of my face, until I am brave and simple.  The white star is wreathed in Halo.

based on a noir from redon's early symbolism phases.  you can find it here, among other places.  it's an obscure artwork, and very weird, but it's quite possibly my favorite visual piece to date.

Message to Readers

i'd love a review!


Peer Review

This piece was unique. I loved the capitalization you had, making it your own and showing the symbols with it. It definitely added to the piece and made the reader think deeper into everything you capitalized. Your description and depiction of the artwork was amazing and something I never would've thought out. After analyzing the picture I felt lost and confused, but your description really brought me together. Also, your ending was amazing. I just had to mention it. Its imagery was lovely and the concept made me smile.


If you were to add detail anywhere, perhaps just a few more imagery descriptions on like the "hands" and "arms" reaching out. Like the tan or color of skin, perhaps markings or birthmarks too that could add to the character. You could expand on why, "God loved the ocean". If you wanted, there's definitely room there for you to expand and sprinkle in your magical figurative language writing talent.


Reviewer Comments

Read this piece and saw in your "message" box, and thought I'd try giving you a review. Hope it was helpful, although, everything is purely a suggestion. Best wishes!