Peer Review by HelpMe512 (United States)

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Primavera | #ekphrasis1

By: .amelia.


FREE WRITING

When Noah returned to the apartment, he didn't expect anything beyond the usual.

Yet, as the dim lights blinked on, a little tulip poised beautifully in the hallway.

Noah bent down to look.

Its fuchsia little bud stood perfectly between the cracks of the old flooring.

As he was about to rise, Noah saw another.

A few metres away was an exotic tiger lily. Striking tuscany yellow petals curling out drew Noah in for a closer inspection.

Like the tulip, this flower slipped between the fine crack to bask its pointy little leaves in the fluorescent glow.

Noah shook his head and scanned the room.

That was when he saw the cherry blossoms, perching on onyx branches. They had been waiting mutely for his attention, like exquisite little birds with clipped wings.

Noah reached out to pluck one out, just to make sure it wasn't real.

It was.

So, he twirled the silky little thing and trudged to his tiny office, where he would phone the landlady and put an end to whatever foolish prank this was.

Instead, Noah froze as his workplace came in sight. The flower and his bag fell from his hand.

The old table by the corner was flooded with a stunning array of colours he would appreciate only at the florist's. They were teeming the room in such heaping abundance, Noah could sell the place as a greenhouse.

Bastards. He thought. Ridicule was definitely someone's idea of fun.

Disgusted he ripped morning glories off his table, flicking away stray petals flittering around him. But as he turned to stomp on the living vandalism rooted to his floor, a peculiar tunnel by the desk stopped him.

It was lit by sun rays shining like a sheen of gold on the cobblestone pavement. Throngs of sweet smelling flowers huddled on walls of this endless path.

And naturally, Noah stepped in to investigate.

Carefully, he creeped into the mysterious place. It feel like a prank anymore.

Bravely, he wandered down the lovely path, watching as the myriad of flowers bathed him their gorgeous shades. Their strong scent of nectar was delightful.

Yet, something about them nagged him to keep going.

He wasn't sure if it was the increasing appearance of rarer flowers or a persistent breeze nudging him on that told him. But Noah couldn't tolerate the urge for long.

He found himself breaking into a furious sprint down the endless path, with grit determination to seek it's destination.

It didn't take long for a fallen flower to trip him.

Noah fumbled.

He fell on the road.

His jaw struck the path.

A groan of pain escaped his mouth.

But it was all he needed.

The flowers dispersed. They gave way into a grassy plain that rolled on forever.

In front of him stood a tall tree, towering over everything in a regal stance. Amongst it's branches were brilliant yellow flowers the same colour of flightless canaries observing a moment of reticence.

It was what stood under the tree that captivated Noah.

Thrill soaked into his heart like the warm sunshine on his skin. It lifted him off the ground and back up on his feet. The pain of the fall no longer felt like anything to him.

"Ella," he gasped.

His jaw hung as she approached him with a smile on her lips. A gown, the shade of the canary flowers bobbed along with her looking like a dense cloud.

He took in everything about Ella he missed. Her smell of blooming flowers, the innocent joy in her devastated eyes and the promise of eternal love around her fourth finger.

"But how...I was...you were..." Nine bitter months of longing struggled on his lips.

"Noah, I am never gone." The rise and fall in her silvery voice was a beautiful song lost to the wind.

"I've missed you." He told her, with a funny ache in his chest.

"And I, you." Her divine beauty outshone the picturesque view.

Ella reached a loving arm to wipe a tear slipping down his cheek.

But it was a mistake.

Noah barely felt the urgent pressure of her fingers before she vanished. Ella burst into a heap petals, as did the tree and the rest of the meadow.

"no..." He cried.

Desperately, he grasped a bunch of beige petals that was once her caring hand. But a gust of wind swept them out of reach and far away into a yawning black void until nothing was left.

Nothing except Noah.

Only then, his eyes snapped open.

Noah found himself back in his office, laying on his polished desk. There was no tunnel, no heap of flowers in his office, no cherry blossom tree, tiger lily or tulip.

Ella was gone.

All that remained was a heartache in his chest and the bruised cherry blossom he had been twirling.

806 words

I think this piece is a little too passive, a bit too vivid, has too much allusions. But it's just how I roll.

Check out crow_e's contest, #ekphrasis, due around May 25th

The song I wrote this piece off was called Primavera by Ludovico Einaudi, which means spring in several languages, and is also a type of tree.

Not really my type of songs. It's just one my dance choreographer used a long time ago. (o-o)

I should also say that this song is 7 minutes (limit is 6, I know). But I only used the first 4 min 10 sec of the song, because the subsequent 2 min 50 sec is repeated. So, I'm not sure if my piece still qualifies. Tell me if it doesn't :p.

p.s. the "no..." was intentionally lowercased.

Thx for reading! :)

Message to Readers

forgot the olfactory! :p


Peer Review

Okay, this piece was incredible. I absolutely loved the description. You painted such a vivid picture of the world; you really have a gift. The idea of this piece is also really intriguing, and the ending was really emotional.


I highlighted a few areas where you could improve, but overall, I liked this piece stylistically a lot.


Reviewer Comments

Congrats on winnning the contest, and sorry that this is a bit late.