Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
Message to Readers
Here's extract four!
As a quick warning: the further I get into this story, the more I move the scenes around - I can't publish everything, but I'm trying to publish extracts as I go along (even though I'm trying to keep them more or less in order, I can't promise anything!). There are other parts of the story, so feel free to let me know if it makes no sense or if you have any questions :)
As always, your feedback is appreciated so much - comments, reviews, whatever. Thanks so much for reading!
I love the dialogue you've written in, it flows so well between the two characters and really enhances the piece! I also enjoy the sense of mystery that lurks between the lines (ie...the confusion that's painted across Jen's face when Zoe told her she didn't see the boys outside her window). Also, your word-choice is spot-on, the use of the words/phrases "spilled every detail," "slowly grinding through," and "blatantly ignored the sign," (among others) are spectacular!!! Great work!!
Your wording, dialogue, and overall tone of the piece are so well-done, that the only suggestion that comes to mind would be to perhaps insert some more imagery, in this case, sensory details. Maybe consider how it would impact your piece if you added specific snippets that invoked a vivid picture in the reader's mind. For example, when you wrote how the clock was going "tick, tick, tick" I could "hear" what was happening inside my head, this was really effective. It might also help if you described what the character could see/feel/smell so the reader can experience it too. In this instance (I'm just going to use the example of when she's lying in bed at the end), though it's dark, are there shadows cast across her walls? Is the blanket she's using scratchy or is it soft? You can do this in multiple places, but as I said, your wording and dialogue are so incredible already -- feel free not omit to these suggestions. :) One more thing that came to mind is the building up of the character's past. What I mean by this is that usually when writing longer works, it's helpful to insert what's known as "memory moments" as this helps create a more well-rounded glimpse of the character. These "memory moments" can be simply a sentence, or they could be longer. What I'm wondering throughout the four extracts you've posted is how Jen's past shapes who she is today? In other words, how did she get into Philomena Prep? What is her relationship with her parent(s)/guardian(s) like? (these are all examples of what could be a "memory moment") I know that you're just posting extracts so you may have already done some of the stuff I suggested, but again, feel free not to take these suggestions because your piece is so spectacular as is!! :)
Overall, this was a really fun piece to read and review!! I will be looking out for more Extracts, I can't wait to read more! Awesome job!!! :)