A Certain Type of Decisive

United States

Just your unfriendly neighborhood disaster, bringing you bi-weekly updates from the bottom of my own shoe!

Message to Readers

Klaus was called the average person because he can summon an army of gnats by shouting how he feels on a certain day. I can't do that, but I can rewrite the same piece from a year ago into play format and cut it from 3,000 words to 995


May 11, 2020

Act 1

                                                       Scene 1
                A small untidy apartment, sink full of dishes. Cabinets and 
                drawers are left open haphazardly. A clock is visible above 
                the sink. A pointed hat and cloak are on a hook. Dim lights- 
                an overcast morning.
                DR. STONE enters, looking exhausted, wearing wizardly 
                clothes, a blue robe with white stars and a pointed hat. Her 
                hair is heavily slept on. She shuffles onstage slowly, slouching. 
                She hits her leg on one of the cabinets

                                                       DR. STONE


Fuck! Ow! Oh fuck- 

                She holds her leg, trying to maintain balance by hopping, other 
                hand casting a spell. Magic comes very naturally to her- she 
                makes it look easy. Motors close the cabinets and drawers and 
                the lower dishes. The opening few notes of “A Spoonful of Sugar” 
                play, but she cuts off the music.

                                                       DR. STONE

                (annoyed and dismissive)

Shut the fuck up. Save it for someone who gives a shit. I’m-

                (She sees the clock, a look of annoyance on her face )

I’m late! Oh fuck it’s already 9:00- Logomart’s having a sale on runestones and they’re probably all gone to the early shoppers- (with less intensity) I was up all night writing that essay- why did I go back to school? I don’t need another degree- in transmutation of all things-

                As she is talking and getting ready to leave- pulling her hair 
                into a ponytail, slipping into yellow converse, and switching her 
                cloak and hat to ones on the hook still wearing pajamas 
                underneath- the stage is moved around her, changing into 
                an outdoor scene. She starts to move to stage left, TREE 1, 
                TREE 2, and TREE 3, with skin made of wood and hair made 
                of leaves, smoothly approaching from there, exaggerating her
                movement towards them. They are miming panicked conversation.
                A YOUNG ELF in a mix of adventure and modern clothing dashes
                from stage left to the right, stopping near the edge of the stage.
                Horns are visible through his hair and he is searching through a satchel.

                                                      YOUNG ELF

                (shouting, panicked)

I need a healing potion! 

                                                       DR. STONE

Shut the fuck up!

                                                      YOUNG ELF

                (turns to face her, walking backwards offstage, sarcastic)

Thanks a lot, greatest wizard in the world

                She shrugs him off, nearing the trees. Their pleas for help become 
                audible. She doesn’t look them in the eyes. Their conversation is 
                garbled as they speak over each other.

                                                         TREE 1:


The evil king-

                                                         TREE 2:

                (deep, serious)

The only crystal like it-

                                                         TREE 3:


You are our only hope-

                                                         TREE 1:


                                                         TREE 2:


                                                         TREE 3:


                                                         TREE 1:


Please! I need your help!

                                                       DR. STONE:

                (unfazed, annoyed)

Oh really? Because last I checked, buddy, I need my help, too. Just 'cause you don't got legs doesn't mean you can't solve your own problems. I don't need a magical journey in my life right now. 

                A stunned silence- the TREES move off stage. She shakes her 
                head, forgetting the encounter. Two men move past her, sword 
                fighting: An German-style knight and a Japanese samurai. She 
                looks at them longingly- but only for a moment.

                Reaching the edge of the stage, she stumbles backwards, 
                scrambling to center stage- not scared, but surprised. A long 
                DRAGON, similar to Chinese New Year dragons. It’s teal and 
                blue, water plants growing between its scales. 

                An inhuman WARRIOR wearing trendy sportswear charges 
                from behind, carrying a sword. The dragon lunges towards 
                DR. STONE, but she holds up a hand. The DRAGON recoils, 
                changing focus to the WARRIOR.

                                                       DR. STONE


I’m just trying to get groceries! 


Sorry, Dr. Stone- I’m wrapping this up soon! Anything for you- by the way, have you given any thought to that quest I mentioned? We still need a wiz-

                (the DRAGON shoots water from its mouth, demanding attention)

                                                       DR. STONE

                (ignoring the battle)

The one with the relics- Listen, Dave-


                (fighting the dragon)


                                                       DR. STONE

Right! Daniel, I don’t do quests anymore-

                She continues talking as the fight rages. A PEDESTRIAN walks 
                on stage, sees the dragon, and faints

Ever since Ruby died- thanks for coming to her funeral by the way- I’ll definitely go to yours whenever you die. When was that? 200 years ago? Oh fuck that was your great-grandfather- you look so much like him, sorry about that. Anyway, I just- I don’t think I can ever really do that sort of thing again. Have you tried my app- Find A Party? Maybe you’ll find a wizard there- I kinda specifically developed the app so people would stop asking-

                DANIEL kills the DRAGON, who dies an overly dramatized death. 

                He is soaked in water and injured, using his sword as a cane.


Dr. Stone- the world still needs you- I still need you

                                                       DR. STONE


I’m sure if you need something, you can always do it through the power of friendship- just like everybody else. Maybe the real relics were the friends you’ll make along the way- (more seriously) but they aren’t me. 

                DANIEL is hurt by this, he opens his mouth, but doesn’t speak.
                He lugs the DRAGON offstage, as a scene forms around her: the 
                Logomart, a grocery chain, her final destination. She is relieved 
                to finally arrive.

                DEBORAH-THE-OKAY- a sphinx, catlike with laughably small wings- stops her from entering.

What walks on seven legs in-

                                                       DR. STONE

                (pushing the cat aside)



You dare disrespect the guardian of the Logomart? Curse you!

                                                       DR. STONE

                (rubbing her temples)

What're you gonna do, Deborah the Okay? Eat me? I just need some runestones, maybe some bagels, chillax. I'll bring you a free sample.


                (pauses for a moment, considering)

This pleases me- uncursed! You may pass.

                                                       DR. STONE



                The facade of the Logomart turns as she walks through the 
                door, showing the interior. A dozen bandits, of various races 
                and weapons, holding bags and looting are waiting inside.

                                                       DR. STONE


                Curtains close.


See History

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  • Currently Unavailable

    Replying: That comment you left me? Make that into a piece of writing. It is SO good.

    7 months ago
  • the_enclave

    unrelated but still important: thanks so much for the insight on my piece! you seem very wise and you said a lot of stuff that I couldn't articulate myself. thanks so much for adding to discussion!

    7 months ago