2015 10 25 12.46.30 1

alaina_janette

United States

Just an 18 year old girl who still has a lot to learn. I'm a soprano, I'm a bookworm, and everything else in between. Still trying to develop my voice and make my ideas heard. It's a work in progress.

A Letter To Him//Ramblings

April 5, 2015

FREE WRITING

3

You didn't see me when you crossed the street the other day, but I saw you. I saw you cross right in front of my car with her. Headed in the direction of your mom's house, in your shorts that you always wore even when it was 15 degrees below zero.

A year ago, I called you my best friend. I guess that's how people bond these days; through suffering together. Maybe that's why it didn't work out after all. Maybe it was because you were the cause of so much of my suffering. You and your constant ups and downs, your dependence on everyone else around you, your unpredictable thoughts that lashed out on me even when I was the only one you had left.

You could never see what I saw. You never saw how much you put me through. At first, it was painful due to unrequited attraction. I liked you and you liked her. But after that fizzled away, it became "you like her, you need me". I tried to do what I could to help you. Please know that I tried. I did everything I could. Through all of my emotional instabilities last year, I had to pick myself up because you were too busy throwing yourself a pity party. Who was there for me? 

You were the cause of so much of my anxiety last year because of her. You are the reason I keep my phone on every single night in case I get a call at 2:44 a.m. letting me know that you wanted to kill yourself because she didn't have feelings for you anymore. You're the reason that I can't go into AMC anymore without feeling nervous. I have trouble opening up to other people now because you said you would never leave and then you did. Without another word, you were gone. 

True, you did come back around eventually and try to fix things. But nearly 3 months had passed since we last talked. And I've changed. I'm not who I was in June, when I would drive to your house and help you load 2 liters of pop into my trunk to take to your grad party that started in an hour and a half. I'm better than that. You called me when you needed my help, and you said you were so thankful, but when it came down to it, you couldn't dish out what you'd been taking from me for a whole year. You got defensive when you didn't want to prove to me that you weren't making false promises, and you were gone again.

I gave you second chance after second chance while you were here. But I can't fix you. I can't teach you manners or guide you through every social interaction or wait for you to ask me to hang out because she was busy. I can't take care of you the way she can. I don't want to.

You aren't in my life anymore, and there isn't anything I regret about that. The decision was completely mine. But if there's anything that I took out of our time together, it's that now I know to respect myself. I am not a second choice. I deserve friendship that isn't built on drama and instability, bound by our emotions. I deserve someone who will make me better and who will build me up instead of make excuses. Thank you for showing me that. 

You weren't a bad person. You weren't. You're not. But you and I are at completely different spots in our life. You are trying to figure your life out while it's happening. I want to know what I'm getting myself into before I get there. I want to progress ahead, not fall back into old habits. Senior year has been good to me. I've found myself in a fairly comfortable position where I can cleanse myself of any excess negativity brought on by other people. I don't need the extra stress you caused. I never did. But I did need the security that you gave. I was insecure. I was plagued by anxiety constantly. I needed a rock, and it happened to be you. Yes, we argued constantly about the same things, but we always seemed to resolve it. Until it started again. It wasn't until you told me that you were back with her that something shifted entirely. What I thought was a mutual trust turned into betrayal. I had tried to help you from her. She was not good for you. You had to learn how to be happy on your own first, but you didn't listen to me. And it hurt like a bruise on the part of me that trusted you.

It's been another 3 months since I cut ties with you. I'm surrounded with incandescent happiness, from the people around me and also from myself. I love my life just as it is. I love that I'm not your problem anymore. I've grown from the experience you gave me and I've moved on. That's big for me, and it's also more than you can say for yourself. I've found new friends, but you're still with her. After a year of off and on flings, you're still with her.

When you crossed the street with her, it was like a peek into the door that I closed when our friendship ended. And unlike a year ago, I didn't have to think twice about closing the door again. This time, for good.

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  • April 5, 2015 - 11:20pm (Now Viewing)

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