the water lilies bring us

FREE WRITING

we met over the bridge
your face flush with a peony pink,
and though the wood was bright with mellow moss,
your smile made it more alive than anything I’ve seen.
cherry blossom petals tucked into your hair,
your hands folded neatly in your lap, bashful as the lily pads,
your laughter started in your chest, and in the river of affection,
it rippled over to me.
i pluck a flower from your lips (a kiss!)
my dear, the spring envies how you bloom.
breathing in the sweet scent of budding blossoms,
the water lily pond reflects the bright image of us, hands intertwined like delicate stems,
as we laugh: over the bridge.

this was inspired by the famous paining “the japanese bridge (the water lily-pond)” by Claude Monet. please check it out if you want to see what i was trying to embody in my writing! feedback is greatly appreciated.

Message to Readers

feedback would be wonderful! (please check out the painting that inspired this!)

Peer Review

What about this piece delighted, surprised, or moved you?

This piece is simplistically sweet, heartwarming, and leaves the readers smiling. I love your use of figurative language, from your metaphors to personification, adding to the imagery and descriptions to the piece beautifully.

What else would you like to know? Where might the writer deepen an idea or question? Would additional details invite you further into the writing?

When editing, perhaps changing the beginning of the few of your lines. Multiple lines start with "your" which was slightly repetitive and distracting, so perhaps just rewording or picking different words for the beginning. If you wanted to expand or add detail anywhere, maybe why you two were on the bridge. You say, "we met over the bridge" perhaps adding detail asking why or how it came to be? A little more background?

Reviewer Comments

Great work! Keep writing!