Peer Review by nadiakhan (Canada)

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gossamer dreams #contest_13(5)

By: mia_:)


FREE WRITING

she sits at her spindle,
slender fingers dancing in time
as foot hits pedal, as hopes spin into reality.
her palms are damp with sweat, 
her back aching from the strenuous work of
turning wishes into tulle, aspirations into thread,
plastering bodices with ambitions, 
flaring skirts into actuality.
pins sticking out of her mouth, 
she pins my gossamer dreams against the hem,
so they catch the evening breeze as i
twirl into the heavens.


Message to Readers

something random :)


Peer Review

Brevity is often a weakness for even the most seasoned writers but you use it to your advantage here! Your portrait of a seamstress sewing away is engaging and direct, a task that's often easier said than done in poetry. I really liked your use of sentence structure to build variety in pacing. You use short, fragmented lines like the opening: "she sits at her spindle" and contrast them with longer passages: "turning wishes into tulle, aspirations into thread." It works really well.


Dive a little deeper into visual at the end. How exactly do the "gossamer dreams" appear? Consider incorporating lines which describe this end result in more detail to give the reader a clearer visual. Your imagery is excellent and a bit more breadth would enhance your final product. Also, try weaving in more pathos by capturing the feeling of pure, unbridled joy at the end when she's "twirling into the heavens" or even the exhaustion felt from constantly sewing. You have several opportunities to layer in more emotional appeal, which are worth thinking about.


Reviewer Comments

Overall, great job! Keep up the great work.