Ursa

United States

Artist of movement, words, sound
Manipulator of motors, minds, morals

Message to Readers

it's 1:14 in the morning. i'm going to wake up and regret publishing this ><
oh well.

i don't like how confused i become when he texts me

April 26, 2020

FREE WRITING

17
“how have you been?”
oh, hello, thank you for asking
funny, i was just thinking of you
for the last 259 days, but, you know, just in passing
don’t worry, i don’t obsess over what you’re doing
i have a life, friends, and activities i’ve been pursuing
many things to keep myself interested day by day
although it has become harder to organize my mind with this at-home stay
so, i admit, you’ve entered my thoughts more, as of late,
and now you’ve texted me, 
(i know that it’s just coincidence, not fate)

oh no, great, now i have to reply
i must think of something witty, and it can’t be a lie
oh no, ugh--
oh, i think I know what to do
“i might be slowly going insane, but it’s hard to tell
“what about you”

my fingers are shaking, nervous tension beginning to rise
will he respond promptly, or can i surmise
he is not interested, just being polite
the good samaritan, forever being an amusing, friendly sight--
“haha same
“trying to stay healthy”
i release a big breath, i feel a bit sweaty

what do i say, good gracious this is hard
a one word answer won’t get me very far
the boy might be trying to stay healthy, but he nearly gave me a stroke
should i agree, talk about how bad the virus is-- no, god, what a joke
i don’t want to make the topic all serious
fun conversations are a much better experience

“yeah”
uhh i know more words than that
i want to keep talking, i’m not going to end this chat
“you should try living in the middle of nowhere, 
makes that real easy”
that was good right? crap i feel queasy 
“honestly I would love living in the middle of nowhere
“your mind can be put at ease”
well, shit boy, you should come live with me
no, don’t say that you freak, you aren’t flirting
he has a girlfriend, a real pretty one i'd say
i'm not competing, (and i’d lose anyway)

oh what to say, what to say that’s something else
“that’s true, no annoying people around,
except yourself”
let out a quick breath, i think that was good
it was only a tease if he took it that way (which he would)
“ahhaha exactly”
okay, that was fine, just an honest reaction
should i continue or just let the conversation lose traction?

“you live in a town, right” it feels weird that i don’t know this
but now i have the opportunity to ask, in this moment between us
“yea it’s oke” the e is accented; his french keyboard is activating
i’d gotten used to the odd typos that come from him translating
speaking of, his english has gotten much better
i consider bringing it up but that would remind us of memories together
memories like the ones by the sea, looking at islands and shores
memories of canoeing and water fights with our oars

nope nope nope don’t need any of those
please go away memories i don’t want nostalgic woes
i don’t want to think about times long gone, and what could be
that was all years ago, so why is he texting me?
oh frick now i’m sad, what a freaking disappointment, i’m a mess
pull yourself together, girl, you still have to respond to his text

“i would like to live in town
wouldn’t have to drive hours to get to anything”
well now that i’ve sent that it seems a bit clunky
he knows my sentences can sometimes be funky
“yea it’s all right I guess” 
ohh I know what i want to say, but i also have chores to do, 
and i hate that i still remember that it’s very late for him too
i don’t want to push it or cut off the chat
so i just say “haha” and leave it at that

he didn’t respond, and that’s okay
i don’t want him texting me anyway





~~~~






PSYCH NEVERMIND
he responded again! i think I’m going to throw up
this is fine, i’m fine, i won’t mess this up
i want him to leave and i want him to stay
right right, he said something, think of what to say
here goes nothing, i guess, wish me luck
i won't mess it up, i won't--
oh f***

 
nothing happened at the end there I just wanted to do that rhyme.

all true. it's a mess, I know.

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  • April 26, 2020 - 3:15am (Now Viewing)

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4 Comments
  • van gogh's girl

    this title is soooooo relatable. your work is the bomb.


    10 months ago
  • Ree Sethu

    Oh..I can relate..NICE WORK!


    10 months ago
  • Charisse Marison

    Oh my goodness, I hope things turn out okay. I would relate, but my crushes are either super famous or not real >_


    10 months ago