Peer Review by Fabiana250 (Peru)

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I want to write a story

By: Two Heartbeats


I want to write a story,
about an 8th grade summer love,
And a freshman heartbreak,
that wasn't so much a heartbreak as a betrayal,
Write about unkept promises,
and accidents,
But Alexa,
My tears would smear the ink;
leave my story unreadable.

I want to write a story,
About a girl who rode bikes with me in the desert,
past neon lights,
and lazers,
and all that good stuff,
But I couldn't describe to you,
How distant that is in my mind.

We rode past that stuff,
Didn't spend long enough to immerse our senses in the experience

I want to write a story,
About a boy who had his life,
turned upside-down,
Shaken up, 
and in a way I can't quite explain,
set on fire,
days before the suffering we all called 7th grade,
And how that ignited a warmth to inspire the masses,
But he hasn't overcame that,
Not with therapy,
Not through friends,
Scars fade but their permanence gives them their titles
Words have haunted him,
Actions have hurt him,

Instead I'm writing a story,
about a man with the mask of a boy, 
Who wants to be great,
Who wants to be strong.

I'm imagining the story of a man,
who's overcame all the pain,
that I'm working to overcome,
And is still standing tall,

I think that'd be a strong story

I'm actually writing a story/collections of poems (For my creative writing class) telling events and people in my life in the order I've lived it. I think as a teen who tries to do this kind of work I'm challenging to write about my human condition and I'm going to post a lot of the poems that tell my story on here.

Message to Readers

I'd love feedback on this piece, it's very much 3 different stories and I'm less trying to weave them then imagine a common theme. Edit what calls to you.

Peer Review

As I said in the comments, this piece was really powerful and moving. The way the reading flows even though not everything rhymes is pretty good. The first story is something I'll definitely read. I think it's so relatable for most people (experiencing a heartbreak in freshman year) and you could write this in so many different ways if you actually want to write it. That part about the unkept promises and accidents it's really human (if you get what I mean), like you're not trying to hide anything about that "relationship" as some people do. Then, the second story was just so cute. The smiles, the hugs, the cuddles, everything semnt so perfect...And then when you mentioned "how distant is in my mind" I couldn't help but feel sad. If your goal with this poem was to move people, I think you definitely achieved it.

I'm a bit confused about the third story, though. I think you could maybe explain that idea a bit more, since I feel like the ideas are unfinished. However, perhaps it is just me not understanding because Enlgish isn't my native language. Besides, they're some parts in this text that feel so real, I wonder (if you feel comfortable with sharing) what happened to you? What are those experiences that inspired you to have these story ideas?

Reviewer Comments

Overall, this was amazing!! I can't believe I didn't see your profile earlier. You're writing is so mature, how old are you? 17? 18? You did a wonderful work and I'm definitely reading more of your writing ;)