Peer Review by rainandsonder (United States)

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IT IS FORBIDDEN THAT EGYPTIAN DEITIES LOVE MORTAL-HATING DEMONS, THEY'RE MEANT TO DESTROY THEM

By: Dmoral


FREE WRITING


i.
Demons create imbalances. 
These were the words of Ra, in which he told Bastet before he sent her on her mission. They were the same words she repeated inside her head she raced gracefully through the forest, the quiet hush of the river growing stronger. If Bastet were of the weaker gender, she would've already heard the voice of the Caller, singing toxic notes that tasted sweet. But she knew better, and the sense of danger pricked her skin.

ii.
There is no home greater than the water, it protects it's own. Naddaha knew this well, for she's lived in the river all her life. it was the place she was born, the home of her people for generations-or was. Until the mortals came destroying their villages, betraying her kind, and killing those she knew. Naddaha was the only survivor, due to her Mother hiding her well in the Nile.
And when her Mother whispered prayers to the water, it promised to protect Naddaha. So as it soaked it's essence and bestowed power into Naddaha, Naddaha whispered words of vengeance in the shadows of her people. So for centuries since, she lured men into her greedy hands, kissing the life from them, then laughing as tears rolled down and filled the river.

iii.
Once she reached the Nile River, Bastet saw the Caller sitting upon a curved tree so low, her feet dangled so close the water, her toes could cause a ripple. And from a distance, Bastet could see innocence, but unlike men, she knew not to be deceived by the looks at such a glance. However, as she neared, Bastet sucked in a breath at the woman's beauty.

She had skin the color of a full moon, looking fragile as though a gust of wind could break her. Her long black hair color of a cat's, loose and bouncing around her shoulders had a purple, lotus flower crown upon it. Then there was her dress, that seemed transparent only it had a light blue hint to it. Yet, what struck Bastet the most, was her eyes: a piercing sea blue, with a ring of purple hue around the pupil.
What's your name Caller?, Bastet asked.

The woman's sharp, cat-yellow eyes were filled with curiosity as they watched Naddaha.
Men call me the name of their secret lovers. Naddaha smirked, jumping into the water. But it seems you have given me the name 'Caller.'
What's your blessed name? This was a question no god, or even being, has ever asked Naddaha.
Carefully, Naddaha made her way over to the sepia-colored woman, with hair the color of midnight.
Names have power, why should I give you mine if I have yet to even touch yours?

Bastet smiled, kneeling by the river, but not dare touching it. Sekhmet warned her about the danger of the Nile, what it could do to her powers.
I am the Goddess Bastet, of protection and share powers of the sun with my twin, Sekhmet. And confessing the name of her sister seemed to trigger Bastet, for she immediately reared back, glaring down at the Caller. Stop using your powers against me, Caller. You'll start a war you never have a chance of winning.

Naddaha simply frowned, the hint of her dress changing to a red.
I have no influence over your feelings, Bastet-and both women took pleasure in the way Naddaha said the name-for my magic only works on mortals and men. And by which, you are neither: mortal nor, man.

Leaning closer, Bastet whispered in the ears of Naddaha, words she'd never dare speak out loud.
what pulls us together?

iv.
They met up many times after that: Bastet sneaking away from her duties and deceiving Ra when he sent her on missions and Naddaha singing for the presence of men after she dreams of the day they took her Mother away. Both neglected their duties to where others grew suspicious. Everyone knows secrets are never kept, but Bastet and Naddaha acted they were.

It was Sekhmet who found them together, repulsed by the idea of a goddess and demon being lovers. She found them by the Nile, Naddaha-whom she only knew as the Caller- leaning against a tree with her feet in the water, and Bastet laying with her head in Naddah's lap, fiddling with her bow and arrows.

SISTER! The words exploded inside Bastet's head. Jumping up from the ground, Bastet locked eyes with her Sekhmet. What are you doing with her?

But before she could answer, Naddaha had slipped herself into the river, and by using the water for power, created a wave to splash over Sekhmet. The flame in Sekhmet's eyes flickered, and Bastet felt her sun powers falter. Whenever it was just Bastet touching the water, she could handle the pain and ignored the weakness. But when both twins were hit with water, it drained them.

We'll lose our powers if you stay with her. Sekhmet cried, crumpling to the ground. It isn't our jobs as Gods to love, Bastet. You know it creates an imbalance.

Then, Naddaha reached out for Bastet's hand, the same moment Sekhmet did.

Word Count: 860 (extremely sorry, I didn't mean to make it so long-I even cut it down too!)
Finished: 4/23/ 2020
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This if for, Jun Lei & FizzyBaguette 's contest, #thegayagenda, prompt 3: explore the earliest stories, myths, and as with prompt two, tell us a same-sex love story with characters from any mythology.
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Okay, if you stayed awake through all of that, perhaps reading this too for some explanation?
So I choose Egyptian mythology because I wanted my piece to stand out and thought that everyone does Geek or Roman mythology nowadays, why not mix it up a bit?
 So here's a link for the most important Egyptian gods and goddesses: https://www.britannica.com/list/11-egyptian-gods-and-goddesses
So I choose the Goddess Bastet of Protection and Cats. More info here: https://www.ancient.eu/Bastet/
Then, I had to look for a worthy love interest. I didn't want to choose another Goddess because mythology family trees are always crazy and someone is somehow related to one another. So I looked up Egyptian creatures: https://www.thoughtco.com/egyptian-monsters-4145424. Then I found the Siren and of course I had to choose her!!: https://occult-world.com/naddaha-al/ & http://globalurbanlegends.blogspot.com/2015/09/el-naddaha.html.
Anyway, I tried to stick to the mythology as close as possible, but I'm not Egyptian nor do I study the culture, so obviously it's not perfect. Also, Sekhmet is a warrior Goddess of Sun, War, and Destruction. She is Bastet are not actually related, but they are so closely linked together and both represent the Sun in a way, so I just said they were sisters/twins.

Message to Readers

Part 2 anyone??

Originally here: If it's bad, let me know. I'm so uneasy about this piece. I worked on this for a while but like, it took forever and everything I wrote didn't seem to live up to my expectations. So yeah, ANY feedback is welcome. Also, sorry it's so long-so, if you read it all *claps*

Also, title ideas----greatly appreciated. I'm currently bouncing off a lot


Peer Review

I really love the story that you're telling, and the style that you use to tell it as well, it's simple and beautiful in that way that mythology is often written in, which makes it feel even more authentic. It's clear that you did your research here as well. The dynamic between Bastet and Naddaha feels organic and intense and intriguing, and the reader can definitely feel the way they're drawn to each other. Naddaha's background story, and the way you wrote it, characterizes her in a colorful way too. I also was really drawn in by the conflict at the end, Bastet being torn between her sister and her lover, each reaching for her hand, it's a fantastic ending and I would love to read a potential part two if you ever planned on writing one!


I realize that this was written for a contest, so there was probably a word limit you were trying to stay under, but I would love to see a bit more of how each character feels about the central conflict. Is Bastet fiercely loyal to the gods, and feels hesitant/shameful of being with Naddaha, torn between one world and the other, or was she already growing restless and weary of Ra and her missions and was looking for something new? In this piece you show us how Naddaha is seeking vengeance on mankind- how does she feel about being with a god, a protector of those same people? Is she starting to grow softer and feel guilty of what she does, or does she stand by it? Does this ever cause conflict between the two of them? Things like that. I also really enjoyed reading about the sibling relationship between Bastet and Sekhmet here, and I would love to see more of that! The idea of them being twins with shared powers is really compelling.


Reviewer Comments

I know that I highlighted a lot and wrote a fair amount in the above boxes, but know that I really loved reading this piece as it stands! It's a gay forbidden love story between an Egyptian goddess and a demon- what could be better than that? And the way you executed it was fascinating to read! Even though there are only a few characters, the conflict and dynamics between each of them, even if they were only mentioned (like the relationship between Ra and Bastet) feel real and complex! I hope this review was helpful, and definitely let me know if you ever write a sequel to this!