Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
Message to Readers
Part 2 anyone??
Originally here: If it's bad, let me know. I'm so uneasy about this piece. I worked on this for a while but like, it took forever and everything I wrote didn't seem to live up to my expectations. So yeah, ANY feedback is welcome. Also, sorry it's so long-so, if you read it all *claps*
Also, title ideas----greatly appreciated. I'm currently bouncing off a lot
I really love the story that you're telling, and the style that you use to tell it as well, it's simple and beautiful in that way that mythology is often written in, which makes it feel even more authentic. It's clear that you did your research here as well. The dynamic between Bastet and Naddaha feels organic and intense and intriguing, and the reader can definitely feel the way they're drawn to each other. Naddaha's background story, and the way you wrote it, characterizes her in a colorful way too. I also was really drawn in by the conflict at the end, Bastet being torn between her sister and her lover, each reaching for her hand, it's a fantastic ending and I would love to read a potential part two if you ever planned on writing one!
I realize that this was written for a contest, so there was probably a word limit you were trying to stay under, but I would love to see a bit more of how each character feels about the central conflict. Is Bastet fiercely loyal to the gods, and feels hesitant/shameful of being with Naddaha, torn between one world and the other, or was she already growing restless and weary of Ra and her missions and was looking for something new? In this piece you show us how Naddaha is seeking vengeance on mankind- how does she feel about being with a god, a protector of those same people? Is she starting to grow softer and feel guilty of what she does, or does she stand by it? Does this ever cause conflict between the two of them? Things like that. I also really enjoyed reading about the sibling relationship between Bastet and Sekhmet here, and I would love to see more of that! The idea of them being twins with shared powers is really compelling.
I know that I highlighted a lot and wrote a fair amount in the above boxes, but know that I really loved reading this piece as it stands! It's a gay forbidden love story between an Egyptian goddess and a demon- what could be better than that? And the way you executed it was fascinating to read! Even though there are only a few characters, the conflict and dynamics between each of them, even if they were only mentioned (like the relationship between Ra and Bastet) feel real and complex! I hope this review was helpful, and definitely let me know if you ever write a sequel to this!