Peer Review by Quarkoala (United States)

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hungry chapter 1 revised

By: amazing grace


FREE WRITING

it had been a hard day for sophia she was only ten, but already knew what it was like to have to worry about putting food on the table. 
cold, wet, dreary, these are the words that describe pennsylvania this day. late afternoon, but you couldn't tell, for the sun could not even admit it's rays through the overcast. the streets raked of death and desperation. the were filled with puddles, but not a child was splashing. 
sophia brushed her dark brown hair out of her eyes, and pushed on down the streets. arriving at a little run down saw mill she crouched down, and pushed back the bushes to reveal a secret entrance. crawling in she was meet by hugs from hands so thin you could see the bone. she knew these hands well, and they were the reason  she must find work. " sophia!!" nine voices yelled out of pure excitement. 
" hello." she responded trying to hide the fact that she had little to show for her efforts today.
her eyes scanned the crowd of children, nine to be exact, all younger than her the youngest being only two. as she revealed the small moldy loaf of bread she had found they all gasped, for this was more than they ever expected. " how was today" sophia asked knowing what the answer would be.
" same stuff as always," marcus said his black hair in need of a trim, for it fell almost to his shoulders.
" we found..." liza began.
" some blackberries..." liz continued.
" out in the forest." lisa ended.
the three identical triplets loved doing this. it was one of the few things they could find joy in. 
" when i'm old enough to get a job things will start to change around here," levi said, this was all he ever talked about.
sophia knew this was no life for a eight year old, but she couldn't help herself from wishing this true. being the sole provider for this family was not easy. she looked around thinking about how she had ten mouths to feed, and only to hands to do it with. 
passing out the moldy bread she gave each child a equal amount, all but her to whom she gave less not wanting any of the children to go hungry. handing some to each child in order she thought of theirs names while handing them dinner, if it could be called that. from oldest to youngest they had lined up. 
first levi with black hair, and almost pale skin at eight he was next in line to be the care taker. then dylan whose brown hair matched his dark skin seven years old he should be playing going to school enjoying life, not stuck here wondering which meal will be his last. at six jason was next and he had dark brown hair and was already skinny enough, but near starvation had made it ten times worse. marcus was next, and his blue eyes and blond hair made ti look as if he couldn't take much more of this it was a miracle the five year old had made it this far. all lined up in a row, liza, lisa and liz stood dark skinned and light brown hair all the almost exact same, being four year old triplets. peter was next at only three, and had dark red hair that fit perfectly with his light skin. last but not least little maggie she had light brown hair, and was only two they had know idea who she belonged to so they had taken her in. 
looking at all these faces sophia knew she had to keep going, find a job, and get food. cause this was no life for a child.
 

this is set in old times, around the early 1900's. i hope you enjoy it if you want more please comment. 

Peer Review

I love the mood of this piece. It is so saddening, and masterfully created. Kind of reminds my of Oliver Twist.


Consider using capital letters and grammar. The words don't seem to agree with the current format. You can keep it completely lowercase too, but then make it more like a poem, or stream of consciousness.


Reviewer Comments

This piece, as the beginning of a story, has so much potential. Keep writing, I'd love to see more.