Peer Review by chrysanthemums&ink (United States)

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hungry chapter 1 revised

By: amazing grace


FREE WRITING

it had been a hard day for sophia she was only ten, but already knew what it was like to have to worry about putting food on the table. 
cold, wet, dreary, these are the words that describe pennsylvania this day. late afternoon, but you couldn't tell, for the sun could not even admit it's rays through the overcast. the streets raked of death and desperation. the were filled with puddles, but not a child was splashing. 
sophia brushed her dark brown hair out of her eyes, and pushed on down the streets. arriving at a little run down saw mill she crouched down, and pushed back the bushes to reveal a secret entrance. crawling in she was meet by hugs from hands so thin you could see the bone. she knew these hands well, and they were the reason  she must find work. " sophia!!" nine voices yelled out of pure excitement. 
" hello." she responded trying to hide the fact that she had little to show for her efforts today.
her eyes scanned the crowd of children, nine to be exact, all younger than her the youngest being only two. as she revealed the small moldy loaf of bread she had found they all gasped, for this was more than they ever expected. " how was today" sophia asked knowing what the answer would be.
" same stuff as always," marcus said his black hair in need of a trim, for it fell almost to his shoulders.
" we found..." liza began.
" some blackberries..." liz continued.
" out in the forest." lisa ended.
the three identical triplets loved doing this. it was one of the few things they could find joy in. 
" when i'm old enough to get a job things will start to change around here," levi said, this was all he ever talked about.
sophia knew this was no life for a eight year old, but she couldn't help herself from wishing this true. being the sole provider for this family was not easy. she looked around thinking about how she had ten mouths to feed, and only to hands to do it with. 
passing out the moldy bread she gave each child a equal amount, all but her to whom she gave less not wanting any of the children to go hungry. handing some to each child in order she thought of theirs names while handing them dinner, if it could be called that. from oldest to youngest they had lined up. 
first levi with black hair, and almost pale skin at eight he was next in line to be the care taker. then dylan whose brown hair matched his dark skin seven years old he should be playing going to school enjoying life, not stuck here wondering which meal will be his last. at six jason was next and he had dark brown hair and was already skinny enough, but near starvation had made it ten times worse. marcus was next, and his blue eyes and blond hair made ti look as if he couldn't take much more of this it was a miracle the five year old had made it this far. all lined up in a row, liza, lisa and liz stood dark skinned and light brown hair all the almost exact same, being four year old triplets. peter was next at only three, and had dark red hair that fit perfectly with his light skin. last but not least little maggie she had light brown hair, and was only two they had know idea who she belonged to so they had taken her in. 
looking at all these faces sophia knew she had to keep going, find a job, and get food. cause this was no life for a child.
 

this is set in old times, around the early 1900's. i hope you enjoy it if you want more please comment. 

Peer Review

The responsibility of Sophia is very well done. It's clear she has a lot on her shoulders and this raises the tension somewhat.


Why is she taking care of these kids? Is there a next-in-line hierarchy or something? Was there a caretaker before Sophia? Is Sophia okay?


Reviewer Comments

This is from the post you commented on earlier. Here's some things I'd like to say.
(1): It's generally not a good idea to introduce all the characters and their profiles in a huge exposition dump. It's hard to read, and as you develop as a writer, it's a hard habit to shake off. Try to present them in more subtle ways, like the way they talk, their nervous habits, or some quirks, like you did for the triplets, Marcus, and Levi in the previous paragraphs. Keep in mind that with such a large cast of characters, it'll be harder to manage them all and give them all realistic backgrounds/personality traits etc. You've done a good job with the three characters I've mentioned though.
TL;DR, Maybe introduce the character slowly and gradually in a way that feels more natural.

(2): A minor nitpick, but usually when you're writing a novel or a chapter book, capitalizing is preferred.

(3): I used to have this problem too; when you're using quotation marks for dialogue, the format is: "(dialogue)". There are no spaces in front of the first word.
TL;DR, there aren't any spaces in between the first quotation marks and the first word.

(4): There are many grammatical errors. If you need any help, I'll be happy to provide it, but for now, I'll just leave you with this.
TL;DR, check your grammar in places. English is weird.

(5): Sophia seems to have an awful lot of responsibility for her age. This brings up the question: how long has this been going on? They can't stay in that hiding spot and subsist on moldy bread forever, right? How has Sophia been dealing with this huge burden psychologically?
TL;DR, It's amazing that you're dealing with topics like these, but they are a little heavy, so you might want to tread carefully.

This is such a cool concept! I'm a little harsh when it comes to peer reviews, so it might not come off that way, but this is truly an amazing first part. Sophia is characterized nicely, and even some of the children got their turn in the spotlight! I'm sure that with a few tweaks here and there, this could be absolutely phenomenal. If you disagree with any of the points I've made, or if you have some criticism about the peer review itself, I'll gladly listen! I'm sorry if I have offended you or sound conceited or arrogant. I'll keep tabs on this story, as I think it has great potential! I hope this helped you!