Peer Review by CrazyNinjaKid (Australia)

Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.

Tap on comment to view. Using a mouse?

Hover over comments to view. On a touch device?


Alice's Soulmate

By: Dmoral13


FREE WRITING

Fourth Grade.
i like u. like me to?
☐  yes         ☐  no

Scrunching her nose, Alice rubbed the paper between her fingers, unsure how to react. She only ever talked to Riley on their bus rides home, every Tuesday. Glancing at his desk, Alice noticed the blood rushing to Riley's cheeks.
Leaning over, Melody giggled as she read.
"Shhh," Alice hushed, flattening the paper on her desk. 
"He's cute" Melody whispered, shoving a pencil in Alice's hands.
Letting childish innocence and Melody's thoughts get the best of her, a smirk crept on Alice's lips.
Emotions are fickle-Don't get mixed up with other people's.
The words weaved their way into the front of her mind, sounding as scornful but wise as her mother always says it. Darkening, Alice scribbled an 'x', then dropped the pen. Bolting up from her seat, Alice raced over and slid the note into Riley's backpack.

Seventh Grade.
After adjusting her socks, Alice looked back up at Coach Moore, praying he'd let her play. Only he called out every name except her's and Bri's, meaning they were on bench. Again. Groaning, Alice locked her eyes on Melody, playing midfield.
"Al, come on over here," Coach Moore waved. The Moore's were the only people to ever call her that.
"Coach?"
"You're too good to put in games like this," he said lightly, eyes flickering in her direction before back to the field. "Plus, I don't want you gettin' too dirty. I need you to tutor Riley after the game."
Rolling her eyes, Alice leaned back.
"He only fails history so I can tutor him," she said, but after he glanced at her, she added, "Coach."
"Do you believe in soulmates, Al?"
Emotions are fickle-Don't get mixed up with other people's.
When Alice learned the terms, 'words are poison' she applied it only to this phrase. 
"Mom says they don't exist, just myths."
Coach Moore simply smiled and kept on watching the game. And it was once Alice slung her book bag over her shoulder and started following Riley to the dining room table did she hear Coach Moore say, "Only to some people."

Tenth Grade Homecoming.
Mirrors scream things you never like to hear. Like the words, we're over with a voice matching that of your ex-boyfriend of six months. Alice never loved him, but tolerated him. He was cute enough where she noticed him, but never would've spoken with him if they hadn't been at the pep rally and his friends dared him to make a move. Melody nearly screamed when he approached, instantly falling for the junior basketball captain.
Emotions are fickle-Don't get mixed up with other people's.
With the words ringing in her ears, Alice wiped the single tear from her cheek and stalked out of the bathroom.
"You're pretty in red," a voice whistled.
"You wait for all girls outside the bathroom?" Alice hissed, crossing her arms.
"Only the ones who's boyfriend dump them on homecoming."
Dropping her gaze, Alice fiddled with her golden bracelets. 
It's not like I ever liked him."
"I've been waiting years for you, Al. I knew I loved you when we were 9 years old and you told me about your favorite person in history was Benjamin Franklin because you say 'he was so exotic'."
She didn't answer, only thought her mother's words.
"And honestly?" Placing his hand on her cheek, he stared into her golden-brown eyes. "I'm tired of waiting."
It's easy to move on through life when you know there's always going to be someone there, ready to be with you forever. So when you're backbone and person who will catch you fall leaves, it's hard to move on.
"Come on, Alice. It'll be okay," Melody said lightly, replacing Riley once he left.

Graduation.
What if the person who was your soulmate, you weren't the soulmate too? Riley was Alice's, the world around them knew that, but he never broke her walls. Only one person did, the same person who knew what Alice's mother told her every day for eighteen years.
"Your mother can't control you anymore," Melody said softly, giving Alice a hug. "Besides, emotions may be fickle, but that's what makes them beautiful."
Tears fell freely, but Alice didn't care. She held her best friend, knowing she loved Melody as fiercely as Riley once loved her. If not, more.
"Coach Moore once asked me if I believed in soulmates. I never did 'til now, when I realized how much I loved you."

Word Count: 747
Finished: 4/20/2020
So I was going to end it with Riley and Alice being together, but then all of a sudden, I was like "no, that's too easy!" So then I kinda just threw in Melody and was like, "heck, why not?"
This is for, CrazyNinjaKid's contest, #NinjasContest, prompt 2: finding my soulmate.

Message to Readers

This piece is a mess.
Reviews>comments>likes
Any and all feedback appreciated!


Peer Review

This piece really was an enjoyable romance/comedy piece in the minds of children. I loved watching how it ended which was a twist but I liked it a load. Also Coach Moore's addition to the story was an awesome twist!! Grammar is super as well!


Love to see a little bit more character development on Alice. Over the years, how does her character develop? Just a little more insight to this, does Alice ever consider them being together at times, when has she felt herself falling for him but pulls herself back because of her mothers words. What hardships has Alice yearned through her adolescents example: Another idea also to make it even more developed is that Alice's mother passed away, and those are the words that were in a letter to Alice along with many other things. Maybe Alice wants to fall in love with Riley but doesn't for the fear of betraying her mother?


Reviewer Comments

Literally awesome :)