Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
It's definitely a powerful poem. I feel awe-inspired at the end having read a person's rite of passage written from this perspective of internalizing the narrative of society. And it's wonderful to see how everything crystallizes into a coherent story at the end of the poem.
The highlight of the poem was the way in which you used the internalization of society's narrative. Not many people realize that it's the simplistic stories that society tells about them that makes them feel bad about themselves for being different. And it's only when they accept this narrative and become themselves part of a rather monolithic collectivity that the dissenting voices around them stop. It's therefore really refreshing to see such a profound understanding crystallized in your poem and in such an elegant way.
"The intricate valley of egos/will all return as the world accelerates/To disperse all the souls/To quiet the echoes:
I thought this was an excellent line that brought out the bleakness and de-humanized status quo of human society.
I think this is an excellent first draft! Keep going, this is poem full of potential!
Wonderful write on your part! I really enjoyed reading this poem. However, there are some words that could have been a little inapt in the context they were used. They would have been highlighted for you.
Whilst the main idea of your poem gradually came through at the end, I'm not really certain if I had gotten it right (please forgive me if I had been completely off). It would be a good idea to make your main message more obvious. Perhaps some useful questions would be: what is the main theme you are writing about. Therefore, what is your main idea? And then weave your stanzas with these considerations in mind.
Otherwise, I really appreciate your wonderful use of description. Some of them were really vivid and aids me in imagining the entire scene. Needless to say, your superb description skills mixed with the smooth and tender flow in your stanzas make this poem very elegant.
I look forward to more from you on Write the World! In the meantime, all the best for the competition. Hopefully, my humble opinion could be of some help. All the very best! :)