Peer Review by RockSugar98 (Singapore)

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The World Looks Down On Us

By: Joanna_D

Do you feel their words of ease
caressing your body?
Slowly creeping under your clothes
callously touching your skin,
only to softly numb it.
Do you taste your newfound freedom
as you gnaw on it, then swallow?
As it touches your veins,
blends in with your blood
you think it locks you in your gilded cage.
It may seem that was yesterday, it wasn’t
the world slowed down,
looks down on us that’s why.
That wicked melody of the voices in your head
you’re trapped inside it, absorb it,
let it transcend the limits of time
Let it refine.
Look out the window, can’t you see
the wandering souls, they’re merging into one
Can’t you hear
the remnants of their withered wails, they echo
With profound gratitude, for some stand in unwavering stillness
paving the way for the rest to ramble
In euphoria, for some found each other
found hidden pieces of themselves.
Don’t fret,
that sought-after hustle and bustle,
the smog-filled sky that is so austere,
the intricate valley of egos
will all return as the world accelerates
To disperse all the souls, to quiet the echoes.
You may wish that’s tomorrow, it’s not
Rejoice still in that wicked melody,
merge with the wandering souls,
let your unruly voice echo.
You may find the world
no longer looks down on us, that’s why.

Peer Review

It's definitely a powerful poem. I feel awe-inspired at the end having read a person's rite of passage written from this perspective of internalizing the narrative of society. And it's wonderful to see how everything crystallizes into a coherent story at the end of the poem.

The highlight of the poem was the way in which you used the internalization of society's narrative. Not many people realize that it's the simplistic stories that society tells about them that makes them feel bad about themselves for being different. And it's only when they accept this narrative and become themselves part of a rather monolithic collectivity that the dissenting voices around them stop. It's therefore really refreshing to see such a profound understanding crystallized in your poem and in such an elegant way.

"The intricate valley of egos/will all return as the world accelerates/To disperse all the souls/To quiet the echoes:
I thought this was an excellent line that brought out the bleakness and de-humanized status quo of human society.

I think this is an excellent first draft! Keep going, this is poem full of potential!

Reviewer Comments

Wonderful write on your part! I really enjoyed reading this poem. However, there are some words that could have been a little inapt in the context they were used. They would have been highlighted for you.
Whilst the main idea of your poem gradually came through at the end, I'm not really certain if I had gotten it right (please forgive me if I had been completely off). It would be a good idea to make your main message more obvious. Perhaps some useful questions would be: what is the main theme you are writing about. Therefore, what is your main idea? And then weave your stanzas with these considerations in mind.
Otherwise, I really appreciate your wonderful use of description. Some of them were really vivid and aids me in imagining the entire scene. Needless to say, your superb description skills mixed with the smooth and tender flow in your stanzas make this poem very elegant.
I look forward to more from you on Write the World! In the meantime, all the best for the competition. Hopefully, my humble opinion could be of some help. All the very best! :)