Peer Review by rhys_bev (United Kingdom)

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no mama i am not your daughter i am your child | #aprilaprilapril

By: HelpMe512


FREE WRITING


"do you want that haircut to make you look like a boy?"
mama asks me. mama asks if i wanna be a boy with sadness in her voice. no mama no i don't. i wanna be a person, i don't wanna have a label based on what's in my pants. no mama i wanna live outside boy and girl. mama mama you said i am your daughter, you said i am she she she. no mama i am they they they. no mama i don't wanna look like a boy because since when did a haircut define my identity? no mama i don't owe you femininity, and no mama i don't owe you masculinity because someday you'll realize i am somewhere in the middle. no mama no mama i am not your daughter and i am not your son. i am your child.

"you're your mother's daughter"
papa tells me. papa thinks i'm her. no papa no i'm not. she is confident in herself to be her her her. i am just me me me and that doesn't feel like enough. papa you loved my name because i was your perfect daughter. how can i tell you that i don't want the name? papa i am not mama i am confused and i am young. too young apparently to know who i am as if you papa know better than i. papa i don't want to be my mother's daughter i am nothing like her no papa. no papa i am myself and nothing more.

"she's my sister"
my brother declares for all to hear. shut up shut up shut up. you say cis and all i can think of is trans trans trans trans trans transtranstranstranstranstranstrans until i wish i could disappear. you think we are weird because of their dyed hair and the rainbow stickers. you say you don't get us. you thought all trans people changed genders daily, no brother that is gender fluid. you thought they and them could only be used plurally. you laughed at a transphobe and you laughed at the thought of someone wanting neutral pronouns. you stopped listening to a podcast because they sold pride merch and brother i had to grit my teeth and accept it because god knows what would have happened if you figured it out. you called my friends weird because they like girls and they are they they they. you would laugh at me too if you found out i am they they they. you would laugh because i am not your sister i am your sibling.

so to anyone who thinks i am broken because i cannot conform to your idea of gender, i am broken because of you, not my identity. i am broken because of the hate and the jeers and the laughs. the lectures about how i'm too young. i am broken because of the box i am confined to that makes it so i can't grow. you think i am broken but i am just captured by your snares of close-mindedness. i am trans. i am they. i am not going to let you tear me down.

lowercase intentional.
this is everything i wish i could tell my family. i came out online and am so happy but at home i feel so alone for being this way.

Peer Review

I really love the emotion in this. Your frustration at your family, not accepting you for who you are is so evident in this page. I feel that you are sick and tired of your family treating you like this. I hope that you believe it will get better for you in the future.


In the footnote, you say that you feel alone for being who you are. Could you expand on this perhaps as to how it feels to be alone? Do you think that you will feel less alone if you told them?


Reviewer Comments

Reading this made me cry. I felt your pain and was able to relate it to my life. I feel that when something is well written I can take that piece and relate it to my own life. Helping me gain an emotional connection to the piece. I'm glad that you feel happy that you have come out online. I hope this happiness continues.