HelpMe512

United States

Artist, poet, writer
Ace
He/Him
Transphobes stay out
#BlackLivesMatter
Joined September 2019

"If I wait 'til my tomorrow comes, is the waiting all I've ever done?"
-Ben Platt

Message from Writer

"It's alright, it's okay. You're not a monster just human and you made a few mistakes,"
-It's Alright by Mother Mother

"Know that you are good enough. Please don't give up when things get tough, I know, I know."
-A song from TikTok

no mama i am not your daughter i am your child | #aprilaprilapril

May 2, 2020

FREE WRITING

40

"do you want that haircut to make you look like a boy?"
mama asks me. mama asks if i wanna be a boy with sadness in her voice. no mama no i don't. i wanna be a person, i don't wanna have a label based on what's in my pants. no mama i wanna live outside boy and girl. mama mama you said i am your daughter, you said i am she she she. no mama i am they they they. no mama i don't wanna look like a boy because since when did a haircut define my identity? no mama i don't owe you femininity, and no mama i don't owe you masculinity because someday you'll realize i am somewhere in the middle. no mama no mama i am not your daughter and i am not your son. i am your child.

"you're your mother's daughter"
papa tells me. papa thinks i'm her. no papa no i'm not. she is confident in herself to be her her her. i am just me me me and that doesn't feel like enough. papa you loved my name because i was your perfect daughter. how can i tell you that i don't want the name? papa i am not mama i am confused and i am young. too young apparently to know who i am as if you papa know better than i. papa i don't want to be my mother's daughter i am nothing like her no papa. no papa i am myself and nothing more.

"she's my sister"
my brother declares for all to hear. shut up shut up shut up. you say cis and all i can think of is trans trans trans trans trans transtranstranstranstranstranstrans until i wish i could disappear. you think we are weird because of their dyed hair and the rainbow stickers. you say you don't get us. you thought all trans people changed genders daily, no brother that is gender fluid. you thought they and them could only be used plurally. you laughed at a transphobe and you laughed at the thought of someone wanting neutral pronouns. you stopped listening to a podcast because they sold pride merch and brother i had to grit my teeth and accept it because god knows what would have happened if you figured it out. you called my friends weird because they like girls and they are they they they. you would laugh at me too if you found out i am they they they. you would laugh because i am not your sister i am your sibling.

so to anyone who thinks i am broken because i cannot conform to your idea of gender, i am broken because of you, not my identity. i am broken because of the hate and the jeers and the laughs. the lectures about how i'm too young. i am broken because of the box i am confined to that makes it so i can't grow. you think i am broken but i am just captured by your snares of close-mindedness. i am trans. i am they. i am not going to let you tear me down.
lowercase intentional.
this is everything i wish i could tell my family. i came out online and am so happy but at home i feel so alone for being this way.

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12 Comments
  • mia_:)

    Wow; this is so powerful! Your repetition really adds a new level of depth to the piece! Also, I am so sorry that people are not accepting of you. You don't need their validation; you are strong and beautiful and unique! I hope things get better and I'm here for you! This was such an emotional piece with a very inspiring ending!


    4 months ago
  • Ghoulgirl2020 (#Queenie's Halloween | I have been called Cool before if you know what I mean) ;)

    Oh, wow. Listen, I am straight, but I think that even if someone is trans, gay, or whatever, they should still be accepted as people. You make your own decisions; don't let other people define you! You deserve so much better! :)


    6 months ago
  • Charisse Marison

    Wow. Just wow. So powerful. I felt every bit...
    Even if your family won't understand, just know that I am so happy for you and I'm sure everyone else here feels the same way. I am so sorry people are making you feel this way, because you are YOU and no one should ever try to change that. Congrats and don't feel alone, because we are here to support you :)


    6 months ago
  • OpalDove

    I'm so sorry. That sounds rough. I was lucky to have parents supportive of my sexuality but I can completely understand your pov. It's also just an amazing piece of writing..


    6 months ago
  • Jasmine khawar

    Good job, this is so amazing. Keep it up


    6 months ago
  • Sadiez

    This is amazing, it’s so honest and sincere. And it’s ridiculous that some people are convinced gender has be rigid and people have to fit into one box. Just always be you, and the only person you need validation from is yourself. I really love this piece.


    6 months ago
  • Sanjana Sunilkumar

    This is awesome!


    6 months ago
  • CrazyNinjaKid

    Super amazing job just wow!

    I am holding a contest and would love to see your work be an entry...
    This is the link :) https://bit.ly/2U1JoKb

    have a good day :)


    6 months ago
  • crow_e

    this v good! i like the repetition, it feels almost like a slap in the face.

    hang in there, it gets better, i promise


    6 months ago
  • Root

    Yes, you just captured my experience as an enby perfectly, thank you!


    6 months ago
  • poetri

    this is gorgeous i love it


    6 months ago
  • Dmoral

    *wipes tears and takes your hands*


    6 months ago