Rubies and Moonlight

FREE WRITING

I gulped for air as the waves pushed me under. The boat - I needed to get to the boat. My dress pulled me down. A great billowing ocean of silk, it weighed a ton. It floated up and danced in front of my face, teasing me. "Why don't you dance?" it seemed to say. The rubies sewn into the fabric, glittered as the moonlight caught them. Mimicking the courtiers, they sneered at me. I thought of the ball, hundreds of people I"d never met. Straight faces, devoid of kindness, looked down on me with disdain. They didn't dance but rather slithered and glided like eels suspended in their sea of lies, ready to electrocute anyone in their way.

The dagger strapped to my petticoat pinched me, bringing me back to reality. A ribbon of blood pirrouetted into view then dissipated into nothingness, free. The blood in my veins was drumming, screaming to be liberated. The waves rocked me gently now and suddenly I felt calm in its embrace. The rubies and silks of my dress slowed their cruel waltz to a brooding sway. The current set me down on a bouncy bed of kelp. My eyes began to close as the shafts of pearly moonlight dimmed, the candles on the crystal chandelier snuffed out.

Alone in the dark ballroom, every tapestry on the wall watched me and every floor-to-ceiling window was my only way out. He stepped out of the shadows. His long, dark caot like a piece of shifting night, his boots echoed across the room silencing the stillness. He removed his top hat and bowed. I curtsied, the rubies on my dress quivered, the crown on my head tilited, threatening to fall. He offered his hand and lead me to the middle of the room. The music came from nowhere and everywhere at once.We moved as one, silent as the shadows. he danced not like an eel, but like a bird, and soon I was flying.

Soaring through the air, higher and higher untile the cold ocean hit me. I was drowning. I lurched forward as my lungs sucked in the air. My eyes flew open, blinded by the sunrise. I was suspended in a net, caught like a fish out of water. It took all my strength to pull my dagger from the dripping, treacherous mound of dress. This time, I would be ready.

Message to Readers

This is something I wrote for class and I think it turned out pretty good. Please tell me what you think and whether it was too confusing or not.

Peer Review

What about this piece delighted, surprised, or moved you?

I really appreciated how you described the different scenes were definitely really enjoyable to read in your article. You have a knack for using vivid descriptions that make the scenes you describe easy to visualize. This, therefore, makes your story easy to follow. :)

What else would you like to know? Where might the writer deepen an idea or question? Would additional details invite you further into the writing?

I wonder what kind of ball this was? It appears to be quite a high profile and aristocratic/bourgeois one given that hundreds of people have attended. I wonder too how the male main character had discovered you, and what you felt at that instance? Also, what did the event mean to you to be dressed in such an opulent dress adorned with rubies?

Reviewer Comments

It had been a pleasure to have read your work, thank you for sharing it on Write the World. :)
It's no doubt that you demonstrate strong competence in employing vivid descriptions that facilitate imagination. Kudos to you on a great job. :)
It would be a good idea to keep reading to acquire a richer command of vocabulary. Some descriptions in your essay would benefit from using apt vocabulary fit in that particular context. These small points would have been highlighted for you and a small suggestion would be made. It would be good to look through your work once more before submission for spelling errors.
There are also some unclear references and descriptions in your short article that I would have highlighted for you. Lastly, it is a good idea to ascertain the meaning of words before using them in your essay. Often times we get confused and put them in places where another word should have been used. But not to worry: this is a common problem that happens to the best of us.
Overall, your work shows immense potential and it's been wonderful having read it. Here's hoping to see more from you on Write the World. Take heart, and keep reading and writing :)