Peer Review by HelpMe512 (United States)

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Flos Amoris Chp. 1

By: Westley


FREE WRITING

Malteen pulled the apron over his neck, continuing to tie it at the back of his waist. He stepped into his shop. He walked towards the front, flipping his sign from Sorry, we're closed to Open! He unlocked the front door, fully prepared to start his day.

Since it was early yet he took inventory. Above everything his shop was full of lillies, every kind you could imagine. He treasured his beatiful lillies.

Jack swung in through the door, "Hope I'm not late!"

Malteen looked down on his watch, "Just on time. I'm glad you're here. Can you move these pots over there?" He pointed off in one direction.

Jack laughed, "Sure I can, noddle arms."

---

It was early afternoon when a group of girls walked into the shop. Malteen tried to ignore their giggles as he watered the flowers. Internally he stuck his tongue out, I hate girls.

Jack tried to pose for the 'ladies', showing off all his muscles. Naturally they ignored him.

Malteen was fed up with their lingering, "Are you girls going to buy anything?"

"Look at his face when he gets all angry," one whispered. "He's so handsome."

He ushered them out the door, "If you aren't here to purchase anything I ask that you please stay outside of my shop."

Therefore the girls continued watching from outside the shop's large front window.

"Hey! Why'd you kick them out?" Jack asked.

"They were loitering. They never planned on making a purchase. Besides, you should stop whining. You only wanted them to check you out," Malteen reasoned.

"They were totally intrested!" 

"Whatever makes you feel better," Malteen said. "You're too old for them."

"Is it so bad to have a few admirers?" Jack complained.

Malteen shook his head and finished watering the flowers.

---

An hour later the girls were still standing outside.

An old lady came by, "What are all you girls doing out here? You're going to perish in this summer heat!"

"It's alright, we like it here! Malteen just kicked us out," they explained.

The old lady looked into the shop, "How rude! I wanted to buy some petunias, but I'll have to find them somewhere else!" She picked up her skirts and bustled away.

Malteen hung his head, "This is so not good for business."

---

Later afternoon, 4:00 pm, that was closing time on tuesdays such as this one. Jack had already clocked out, Malteen just had to close up shop.

Once he was done he went to the back, through the employees only door, and entered his house. He lived in the back/over his flower shop. He inherited it from his aunt after high school and moved in, during the summer he ran his flower shop. 

After dinner he gave a little water to his house plants. He gave a light dousing to the Sasa-yuri on his bed side table. He gave a soft kiss to its petal, "Goodnight Nicum."

First of all, thanks for reading this! Not a very intresting hook, I know. This is the first chapter of a story I plan to start writing. I've had the character Malteen, and the general idea for the story for a while, so I decided to start writing. The story will pick up from here.

Malteen is a 19 year old who just got out of high school. He inherited a building from his aunt that he moved into and converted into a flower shop. When fall comes around he will be enrolling in college. He's happy being a florist.

Personality wise, he's somewhat soft and kind. But as you can see, he doesn't like to tolerate nonesense. If you stick aorund or read future chapters you'll see what he has to go through and what goes down in his flower shop. Hope to see you there!

Peer Review

I really liked this beginning. You do a really nice job world-building, and this is a very good introduction with all the background details.


A lot of the stuff I highlighted was grammar-based. One thing I noticed was that some of the actions are a little bland. You should use more exciting synonyms for words like "said" and "went", just to keep the reader interested.


Reviewer Comments

Congrats on winning the contest!