Peer Review by BurningMidnightOil (United Kingdom)

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i accidently fell in love with juliet (sorry romeo)

By: Dmoral


FREE WRITING


the world ended,
     a long time ago,
             and we weren't ready for it;
                              truth is, i didn't ever think it'd come to this.
                                           so before the plague comes and kisses you harshly
                                                          let me confess my feelings for you sincerely:
                                           it started as an 'i think it love you'.
                              we met as kids; where nothing lasts longer
             than our temporary tattoos.
     and yet, i fell-pulling down
you with me, toward a curse.

call us star crossed lovers,
     and then we'll pain the universe
             with our bare hands and naive minds;
                              thinking that forever lasts a long long time.
                                           though i love my father (naturally), i'd still leave him
                                                          because every fiber of my being burns for you.
                                           your hair smells better than roses,
                              your freckles i wish to connect like stars,
             your eyes that shine like hundreds of suns,
     and million other things i truly love about you.
all these feelings are true.

i'll promise hundreds of
     lifetimes, with this one and the next
             if you utter my first name on your last breath,
                              since that's only we should us to call one another,
                                           'cause we shouldn't share names with families
                                                          who can't stand the thought of us girls together.

So let's see if you noticed the Romeo & Juliet line references:

When I said, "if you utter my first name on your last breath, / since that's only we should us to call one another, / since that's only we should us to call one another" I was referencing Shakespeare's lines, "Deny thy father and refuse thy name, / Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love."

When I said, "your eyes that shine like suns" I was referencing Shakespeare's lines, "But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? / It is the east, and Juliet is the sun."

When I said, "call us star crossed lovers" I was referencing Shakespeare's term of "star-crossed lovers".

When I said, "but before the plague comes and kisses you harshly" I was implying that Juliet was going to die, which references Shakespeare's line, "A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life."
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Then of course there's the whole similar plot thing where they can't be together and in love and so young and yeah.
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lowercase intentional.
Finished: 4/13/2020
Anyway, I wrote this for This is for elliemccul's contest, #everprompts, prompt #1 regarding Shakespeare. It's exactly 200 words so *phew*.

Message to Readers

AHAHAHAHHAHA, breaking out my "classics" XD kidding tho, i am really proud of this piece tho. so thought i'd reshare it the new crowd ;)


Peer Review

I really like the way it's formatted (I'm sure it took quite a long time) as it gives the piece a little bit more of a freshness and newness. All right, these references on Shakespeares's work is quite brilliant; it's not easy drawing inspiration from another's ideas. The metaphors are lovely as they give the piece a certain timelessness. The mentions of (more) modern objects/things are really well intertwined with the main theme circling Juliet. The way the poem is told is desperate and beautiful, which is so lovely to read.


I think the idea of this piece is pretty flawless, brilliant really. However, I did find a few grammatical errors (which is no big deal since they're an easy fix). I actually think that a little bit more imagery could take this to a whole other level as it would bring even more light. Right now it's a bit flat despite the literary devices and descriptions here and there.


Reviewer Comments

This piece was a joy to read. It's so well thought out and crafted, so you should be quite proud. I'm actually reading Romeo and Juliet again right now (for class) so it's great to have been able to read a fresh take on the 'star-crossed lovers' idea. Again, please know that this constructive criticism and that I'm not trying to discourage you or hurt you in any way (I've got to put it out there since I've received nasty responses writers before). Regarding your note on a fellow writer plagiarising: You have every right to be upset. It's not petty to be mad about someone stealing (to be blunt) your work. You've spent hours labouring over these words and she/he/they have no right to simply take the idea. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I support you and that you should definitely report to WtW for the, to take his/her/their post down.

Once again, I am so, so sorry for the delay on these reviews. This is the second of your three reviews:)