Peer Review by And_The_Stars_Laughed (United States)

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On Loneliness

By: Ibex


FREE WRITING

sometimes I hold parties
with the stars, dress
in a silver ballgown adorned 
with a hundred diamonds, 
fabric falling to my ankles
and rippling outwards, 
a sea of glimmering crystals
and glass. canis major is 
my companion, orion and cassiopeia 
accompany me in my celestial
waltz, tiptoeing across 
black skies on friday nights
in our solitary ballet.
we are elegance incarnate, immortal 
beings gifted with the sky
as our stage, an expanse 
of glorious emptiness
to be filled with our dancing.
I take constellations
and lace them through
my braided hair until
I am dripping with starlight.
someday I’m sure
there will be a star named for me,
dwelling eternal in the darkness,
and I’ll dance forever in the dreams
of children just like me,
who whisper secrets to the stars because
only the stars will listen.


Peer Review

I absolutely love the sensory details you've woven in, they're so vivid and really created a striking picture in my head! I especially enjoyed the lines "in a silver ballgown adorned / with a hundred diamonds, / fabric falling to my ankles / and rippling outwards," -- the image that you painted was spectacular!! Great work!! I also think that the formatting of your piece worked wonderfully. I liked how you grouped it together into one large stanza rather than smaller stanzas as it contributed to the phenomenal diction and enhanced the rhythm of the piece in a way. And wow -- the diction of this poem sure was incredible!! As I read this, each word seemed to phonetically follow one-after-the other -- it made me feel as if I was the speaker as the voice and tone was so clear!! Also, the theme of loneliness carries through beautifully, awesome job! :)


Perhaps you could consider how it might impact your piece if you tied your closing line "only the stars will listen" to the beginning of the poem, making it really come full-circle. How do you think this might affect the reader emotionally? You in no way have to do this, but maybe you could consider saying something such as "my presence is scarcely noticed, only the stars hear my voice," or something of the like in the first few lines, so that the reader can really sense the loneliness the speaker is feeling? However, as I said, feel free not to take these suggestions, they're just a few thoughts that came to mind. :)


Reviewer Comments

Overall, this was a really fun piece to read and review, the imagery was incredible!! If you have any questions about this review, feel free not let me know, and in the meantime, keep writing!! :)