Bye Bye Me

April 10, 2020


What is “me”? Who am I?
I don’t know anymore; I’ve lost myself.

It’s night now; the pale yellow moon shines stark against the heavy dark sky.
I sit at my desk, staring at the wall. My lamplight glares down at my evolution review sheet.
It’s open in front of me- I have a test tomorrow- I should be studying, but…
My mind feels empty. I’m hollow- like I have been carved out.

What’s missing from myself? 
I’ve tried to find that out.

From the time I was 7, I painted landscapes on vast canvases.
When I was 8, I danced around with my violin onstage in a massive hall.
And 3 years later, I transferred my imagination onto paper through pencil lines of beauty.
But now,
I don’t do that anymore.

I haven’t even touched a paintbrush in 5 years.
My violin cries abandoned in the corner of my living room.
And...the only time I pick up my pencil is when I have to do my homework.

I’ve lost my inner spark...and now I’m just a shell- 
A shell that can memorize scientific facts and solve math problems in seconds.
I guess…that’s called evolution, right?

I’ve evolved to shatter my creative artistic halo.

And I feel incomplete.

Studying. Academia is all I know
...even the red 100 on tests doesn’t stir any emotions. I feel dead inside.
I feel so far from myself, like there is a translucent glass barrier between me and myself,
and we’re separated by a million miles.

I can’t see myself clearly- the glass is blurry- I’m having trouble remembering who I used to be
...I’ve forgotten.

More than ever, I feel lonely.
I’m just sitting here with my books, my review sheets...doing science, doing math…
All of it is just more, adding distance between my present and my past self.

The glare from my lamplight is suddenly too intense. 
I turn the knob- the light snaps; disappears.
Darkness embraces me and the temperature drops. 

I blink, trying to adjust to the pitch blackness...but nothing seems to help. 
I shut my eyes.
I am back to the forked pitch in my life a few years back... And there I stand, small, uncertain, surrounded by the swirling nothingness of emptiness.
This was where I once stood…
When I was trying so desperately to get perfect grades and to be smart. 
I said I would give up anything, everything
...if only to be smarter.
And now I realized...I had bargained my soul to whatever demon existed.

I didn’t want a trade. 

But I didn’t know that.

I realized in my desperateness back then, I had unknowingly thrown my artistic talents out the window in exchange for something I will need… but not love.

I cannot go back to who I used to be...
I can’t.

The paints on the canvases splotch under the uncertain tremble in my fingers.
Unfamiliarity stiffens and locks my joints in place making me a violin-playing statue.
And…my imagination wilts, a flower that has begun its journey into the flowerbed.

And now,
the other side of the glass mirror…
Is empty.

Nothing but the cool chilly breeze hits my skin causing goosebumps.
It’s an abyss- a gaping black hole on the other side.


She left a long time ago but...
there is a hint of her presence here that I’m holding onto,
as I stare into nothingness.

My mind, my heart, my body...empty.

The bell chimes twelve. It’s too late.

I slowly unfurl my hand,
and let her go.


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1 Comment
  • a_myriad_of_stars_07

    This is too beautiful! Oh gosh, I resonate with this so much! Now I want to cry

    10 months ago