Peer Review by Quarkoala (United States)

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where only rock remains

By: astridianmayfly


the epoch arrives
where we kill what
speaks for the trees. 
even as their 
leaves fall
ashes to ashes 
They resemble the snake 
fabled to swallow our sun
 
bring out your dead!
On collapsed horizons, of doomsdays
where 
four horsemen walk on a well-worn road to 
Oblivion
Eying a dead world 
Where only rock remains.
 
But remember how we dared disturb the universe?
time and space and relativity stand infinite and counting
but so were we on your trampoline,
defying gravity from the moment of takeoff
To the final landing on an imaginary moon. 
We were so full of pride and summer and fantasy 
that the fireflies became satellites--
Oh, We tried. I’m so glad that
we tried.
 
I know I what I endured, before:
the smell of coffee 
& adults that told me to pipe down
& crying in the school bathroom 
I know 
the gift they gave me 
and oh,
how I grieve for them,
the trivial sources of anguish
when only rock remains.
 
Understand:
This is a quiet protest.
this is the thing with feathers.
Listen to it, unreal & colorless but glorious all the same
bearing no flag and
Drawing no borders.
 
Understand:
We are the lichens 
that grow 
where only rock remains because
When only rock remains 
There is something else there, too
this little prospect which
shies away in a box’s corners and burrows,
Discarded,
in the rubble of monuments of sin
And it has been injured and 
beaten and
broken but 
it
Still
Breathes 
On.
 
time has stopped. 
There is 
No night, nor day
But 
if sleep will come, darling,
Dream of the flowers 
and potters 
Who make use of the earth
Of open doors & windows & 
Laughing, hugging neighbors
Fingers that were meant to fit together 
And how our hearts are only half of one. 
Remember windchimes, beaches, autumn 
And me.
 
Welcome to a new day
Where rock and that sacred thing 
do not dwell on yesterday
but remain
To create tomorrow. 
Remember, I beg you:
Hope has arrived
 
(if it ever really left.) 
 
 
 


Message to Readers

Any feedback is welcome!


Peer Review

My feeling at the end was: at the end of a long journey, I finally have hope.


In your next draft, consider describing more of the scenery in this poem using comparisons.


"that the fireflies became satellites"
This is such a creative line, with very unusual choice of words.


As you are revising, remember what you want the pome to feel like overall, because the overall feeling of the poem right now is very well done.


Reviewer Comments

Consider changing capitalization and puctuation in your next draft, because currently, it seems a bit random.