Peer Review by Quarkoala (United States)

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what if faeries were just guardian angels that didn't make the cut? #TwistyTale

By: Dmoral


FREE WRITING


i.
it takes twenty-five years of training or a good deed worth a mortal’s lifetime to become a guardian angel. regardless, both take time and patience only a few could handle. that’s why the angels are handpicked, the Goddess herself and her lover, the one and only, the Holy one of them all.

and error and mistake are foreign phrases to them, so when it happens they act as though they don’t know the language. which, in a sense, they don’t. they only speak the words of glory and legend, which happens as often as the other, but when it does they rejoice and sing songs for them.

when she was born, there had been so much hope. her mother the best of them all, maiden to the Goddess herself and favorite of the Holy one. but fear grew too, ‘cause her father’s the one that created hell and walks in its halls. he captured and imprisoned the maiden-but this isn’t their story. it’s the child she bore once she was released.

she made it through nineteen years of training before quitting. the first of her kind to do so, but far from the first for not making it through all the needed years of training. and the second she turned in her halo and gave in to the world of mortals, her wings lost their feathers and white hue, turning an ash grey, with black edges and patterns. then, the next day, the words “faery” were tattooed on her wrist, in small, black, cursive letters.

ii.
“go to hell,” luna hissed, dropping her cigarette onto the man’s shoe. “and say hi to my dad while you’re at it.”

the man’s face twisted into an ugly snarl, but before he could say anything, luna had her hand wrapped around his right arm and began whispering. instantly, her skin that was touching him turned bright red and the man screamed, pulling away. a perfectly shaped hand mark was burnt into his skin.

“what are you?” he yelled, brown eyes wide. horror rolled off him in waves, luna soaked it all in.

“‘faery’ is such a pretty word, how about…” she pretended to think about the word, before looking at him. her golden eyes glowing. “a fallen?”

iii.
when a child is born with great power, it seems it takes them forever to control it. and every single one of them seem to have problems fitting in. luna was no different. only she couldn’t go back once she left, like many others do. and her powers were weakening the longer she strayed away from the very place she got them.

after her mother’s death, she’d lost half of the magic she was born with. her father’s existence was the only thing that kept her going. her wings worked more for show than flying, only fluttering to express feeling.

so when her lover promised her power, how could she resist? how can you say no to the only person who’s ever understood you? he hadn’t quit, no, but had left due to the hand of the Goddess herself. the Goddess who claimed he was incapable of correctly helping a mortal, only able to cause their destruction. the Holy one was nicer, said he just made too many mistakes. nonetheless, both hurt him to a point of no return. his wings ended up turning ash grey and black too.

“immortality like the Holy one himself and magic much of the Goddess,’” he whispered into her ear one night, as they watched the sky fall in pieces shaped as stars.

and what fallen faery wouldn’t like the sound of eternity on her lover's lips?

iv.
"this doesn't seem right," luna said, sucking in a breath.

they were standing on top of the water tower, her hands resting on the cool surface as she stood in the center. while he walked around with a sharpie, writing different symbols around her, every other step.

"kol, are you sure you're doing this right?"

"don't you trust me?" he asked, freezing. his back was to her but she could sense his irritation as much as she tried to avoid collecting his emotions from him, she couldn't help it.

"i don't trust anybody," she muttered, knowing this wasn't something you said to your lover.

somehow kol never lost his powers when he left the guardian angels. he became a full-fledge faery with more powers than me, but less compared to what he'd been born with. so he was able to fly away or mutter phrases to make him disappear. meaning, when he said the words and wings started to flutter, luna was surprised. her only emotion was guilt, knowing she said the wrong thing. again.

v.
forgiveness is the first thing they teach you in training. how it takes a kind heart to help those who've sinned. but when you've been shut out by the very world you pledge your life to, you leave forgiveness in the trash can on your way out.

instead, you take the collections of being on your own: pride, ego, and selfishness. only sharing few things to those who choose and you can open parts of yourself too. but even then, it's only parts.

and true to this, every fight between luna and kol went about the same: she said things she shouldn't mean and he stalked off because it hurts his heart but he won't admit it. they stop talking and go quiet, avoiding each other. until one of them breaks and apologizes with words that mean nothing. they're wings flutter from the attraction of one another. then they're back to being happy lovers. but everyone knows the stars don't like certain people together.

vi.
"can a faery get rid of their wings?" luna kept her voice low as she uttered words of absurdity, knowing that if anyone of her kind heard her, they would think she was crazy. because even a fallen faery would want to keep her wings.

"it depends on the faery," the man replied, fingers tapping the table.

they were sitting in the back of the bar, corner booth, across from each other. luna had glamour on her wings so no mortals would realize anything. as for the man, demons don't care if they're seen, but for the sake of her, he let her glamour him.

"daughter of Lucifer and the Maiden?" their names were bitter on her lips.

"you'll need a magic stronger than you've ever seen before." carefully, the man slid something across the table to her.

before luna could unwrap the napkin, luna felt kol's senses. after being around him for so long, she was attuned to his feelings-could pick him out of a crowd anywhere. he was anger but it was masked with worry. he was looking for her. 

luna scanned the bar.

"take this," the man started, sliding something else across the table. only this time, it wasn't covered. it was a silver necklace with a compass pendant. "it'll help you travel like you use to. but i should warn you, it's dark feary magic. something guardian angels vow to get rid of."

"good thing i'm not one of them anymore," luna said, snatching the item.

lowercase intentional.
Finished: 4/6/2020.
Word count: 1201 (I know it's under the limit, but I already made it longer than I had it original, cause orginailly it was 601 words, aka I doubled the word count--so sorry) 
This is for Cordelia_Fitzgerald's contest, #Twistytale, for the mythical creature fairies.

Peer Review

I like the organization of this peace into sections labeled with roman numerals. It really goes with the style. Here are some parts I really liked: "'go to hell,' luna hissed, dropping her cigarette onto the man’s shoe. 'and say hi to my dad while you’re at it.'" This indirectly characterizes Luna. I like the hissing too. "'don't you trust me?' he asked, freezing. his back was to her but she could sense his irritation as much as she tried to avoid collecting his emotions from him, she couldn't help it." Even though this could use a bit of rewording, I like how this shows there relationship without explicitly telling it. "'take this,' the man started, sliding something else across the table. only this time, it wasn't covered. it was a silver necklace with a compass pendant. 'it'll help you travel like you use to. but i should warn you, it's dark feary magic. something guardian angels vow to get rid of.' 'good thing i'm not one of them anymore,' luna said, snatching the item." Very solid ending, finishing the story and their relationship.


I know it's intentional, but I don't think the lowercase letters are working. My recommendation is to use capital letter rules as normal. Also, the title of this piece should be changed; currently, it seems to be the idea that inspired you to write this piece. When you feel you're done writing, when editing, make sure to pay close attention to the tense. Finally, in your next draft, you should show more and tell less. I know that's very vague, so here are some specific changes you could make: Try changing "only she couldn’t go back once she left, like many others do. and her powers were weakening the longer she strayed away from the very place she got them," and the next paragraph to some type of dialogue, or Luna thinking to herself. Change "he hadn’t quit, no, but had left due to the hand of the Goddess herself. the Goddess who claimed he was incapable of correctly helping a mortal, only able to cause their destruction. the Holy one was nicer, said he just made too many mistakes. nonetheless, both hurt him to a point of no return. his wings ended up turning ash grey and black too," to "He hadn't quit, no, but left when the Goddess claimed he was incapable of correctly helping a mortal, only able to cause their destruction. The Holy one didn't go so far - only said he made too many mistakes - but the between the Holy One and the Goddess, he had been hurt to the point that his wings turned ash grey, and black too." "because even a fallen faery would want to keep her wings." This is already implied, so it can just be removed. These changes are just suggestions.


Reviewer Comments

All in all, a good idea, which can be developed more.