Peer Review by U S E R N A M E S (W R IT I NG HIA T US) (United States)

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Us or Them

By: British_Author

PROMPT: Open Prompt

Swallowing hard, her hands lapsed the handle. The glistening silver showed herself, the red tinge to her hair; the sweat beads on her forehead; the old, metali gaze she held. 
In front of her, a boy staggered bakwards until he fell over. His dark locks falling on his forehead as he rash landed on the blood stained earth.
"P-Please," He begged, crawling away as best he could. "You don't-don't hae to do this!"
"I wish that were true," She replied in a monotone voice. "But it's tradition."
"Tradition is just-just peer pressure from-from dead people!"
"Do you really think you're in a position to mock me and my people?" She sneered, before slashing his throat. Blood squirting out of his neck. She looked over the chaos, reminding herself of all that their people had done to her. "Us or them," She muttered. "There is no inbetween."

Message to Readers

This is my first try on here but I'e been writing for a few years so I hope it's good!

Peer Review

This is an open writing prompt that establishes a beginner's knowledge of increasing suspense and because of that, there is so much room for potential!

I really love the ending when the female protagonist (who may also be the antagonist?) relays a creepy message to her victim.
It especially moves the creepy/suspenseful factor up a notch. I feel like this is the start of a wonderfully spooky thriller!

Paragraph one had some grammar mistakes here and there, but the biggest concern through this entire text was telling the story. Show the story through the description, don't tell. Try describing the scenario by providing detail. 'The girl caught a glimpse of her deteriorating form in the flash of the (weapon)'s reflection; rusty splotches of dried blood clung to her hair like spiders.' etc. Though with fast-paced action scenes, the description would be in the action. I wouldn't call this an action scene because it is mostly one-sided. Therefore, you have more time to develop your character, the setting, sensory tools, etc., but beware! If you overuse descriptions where they are not needed(like an action scene) you could end up wasting your readers' time.

In Paragraph four, when the female protagonist mentions, "me and my people" the structure seemed to knock me off a tad bit. This is the girls' people, correct? At the bottom, she mentions 'their people.' This is a confusing shift. Is she still referring to her people, the boys' people or a different group? Also in paragraph four, the dialogue tag "She sneered," greatly perplexed me. However, it also makes me question the relationship between her and the protagonist. In the beginning, you made it seem like she was nervous but with this dialogue tag, it seems like she was evil from the beginning.

Reviewer Comments

Please do not let my critique discourage you!
I am absolutely in love with what can be done from this prompt. I recommend that you research a little bit more into writing style enhancements and proper grammar usage(I'm not the best at it.).