I'm an aspiring author who hopes and dreams to impact the world. I hope my little musings give you inspiration. x
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Written By: Rica Dapitan
April 2, 2015
This time last year, I was head over heels for a boy who was so out of my league. He managed to swept me off of my feet with words and gestures any girl would probably fall for. He was sweet, he annoys the hell out of me but he makes me smile and laugh. Something I was finding hard to do because of home-sickness and loneliness. No wonder I fell for him. Hard. He made me feel butterflies in my stomach, he made me feel like I was back in high school feeling that giddy feeling any high school girl felt; he made me feel like flying and falling at the same time.
To put it shortly, it was a roller coaster ride with him. It was fun. It was exciting. It was what I was praying and hoping for because I was too bored with my life. I wanted spice. I wanted some thrill. According to a Pussycat Dolls song, "Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it." And hell, I did. I don't know if he was my karma or a prayer answered. I was so confused. I was happy but there were times where I cried myself to sleep because being with him, liking him, and being "liked" by him was so damn hard.
There were expectations from others, violent reactions, questions, insecurities. Hell, what do I expect? Even I couldn't grasp the idea of us. He was out of my league and I was just a typical, boring girl. I feel like Icarus flying too close to the sun. And maybe I did fly too close to the sun. I fled too close to him that I did not realize my wings were burning. And I was falling and falling and falling and I couldn't do anything about it.
I thought we were in this together. I thought we were stronger than the Walls of Troy. But, then again, as strong as the walls may have been, it was still infiltrated by enemies. Same with how insecurities, doubts, and expectations infiltrated our walls.
Long story short, it wasn't the typical happy ending fairy tales have. Just like that My Chemical Romance song, "I hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene." It was more than alright. It was somewhat a cliché love story. But with a not-so-cliché ending.
We had the chance to talk but it's as if we were friends again and nothing more than that happened. I did not want to seem desperate so I went with it. And after that we never talked again. It was awkward. It was painful.
And now, he's happy. With the kind of girl he probably dreamed he would be with. A confident, smart, and strong girl. Someone who is so unlike me. I'm not bitter. I'm not saying that I haven't moved on yet by writing this. To be honest, I'm happy. Especially the day that I realized that I wasn't into you anymore. That I can finally look at you and smile without faking it. But, I cannot deny the fact that I was really hurt with what happened. And there were times where I ask myself, "Where did I go wrong?". But then again, past is past and I am living the present just as how I should and hoping and looking forward to the future ahead of me.
We write because we don't want to forget or maybe even be forgotten. We write to share our experiences with others without having to talk. We write to express how we feel from the tiniest of things to the most grand. What happened shattered my heart into pieces but it has also helped me overcome things I never knew existed in my system. Yes, at the beginning of it, I changed. I became someone I didn't recognized. But, as time passed by, I came to the realization that whatever happened, happens, or will happen has a reason. But not every reason should be known.
I learned a lot from this heartbreak. I never knew I could be this strong. I never knew that I could love this hard and be hurt so much but still learn to love again. I admire myself and my heart and my hypothalamus for that.
And I guess I have you to thank. Because if it weren't for you, I never would have known or acknowledged these things. I guess when I was getting to know you more, I got the chance to know myself a little bit more than I used to. And just like what Ernest Hemingway said, "The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places."