Peer Review by HelpMe512 (United States)

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Combination of part 1 and part 2 of my first book by Mason Wong

By: mason wong


3/20/2020, Sunday
John Wong's diary

‚Äč   Hi, I am John. I am currently in 6th grade. My birthday is on 12/24/2007. All the teachers who have met me, and said in parent-teacher conferences, that I am smart, but don't try enough, argue all the time, always disorganized, disruptive, don't follow direction and easily distracted. I have been expelled twice in elementary school for fighting, so I moved from another county. However, I am still living in Georgia. I am currently attending Georgia Middle School. I have gifted language arts, talented or accelerated science, Accelerated 6th-grade math, gifted social studies, German, and crafts. I have all A's, but I have four disciplinary referrals. However, if you ask my parents, they will say that I am a smart kid, outgoing like to play, creative, and humorous. However, my parent is also not happy about my behaviors, both at school and at home.
Remember that I have four disciplinary referrals and been expelled twice just in elementary school. They are heartbroken about these kinds of troubles. Even though I have All A's, a lot of them, I have to reassess. I usually don't do well on my first tries, they let me stay in gifted tracks. The things that cost grade on quiz and test are simple mistakes, like forget a decimal, messed up on signs, digits, etc. This is the reason why the teacher said that I don't try hard enough. Each grade level, in fall and spring parent-teacher conferences, all my teachers say that I don't work hard enough blah blah.....
However, let me admit here that I feel wrong about those, but I don't really have control over them. However, adults never listen to them. They immediately say, " How do you don't have control, you are a literally human being, not a wild animal." Then, I will just shut up. Also, arguments that I don't want to talk about, you will see it a lot in my life. So, I try to keep most of my low self-esteem and feeling and failures to myself. So, people still see me as a happy person. However, inside of me, I feel like I am a total failure, or god damn it just a shitty person. Also, my parents have high expectations. They are also immigrants, which means they don't speak English. Which put a lot of stress on me. I want to be the district attorney when I grow up, to send criminals to prison. I currently live in Gwinnett county.

John Wong's diary

     I got two disciplinary referrals today. One for disrupting a class and another one for fighting. Oh, also today, I got expelled from Gwinnett County Public School. First, let explain why did I get a referral for disrupting a class. So, this morning in Mr.Trump's class, I was talking to another student, I was given a warning by Mr.trump. Then, I continue speaking with the other student, so he gave me a disciplinary referral, and I walked to the 6th-grade office. Since Mr.Trump send an email to Mr.Charile already, he already knows I am here. He told me to step into his office and see that I am going to serve two days of IN-school suspension and two days of out of school suspension. Then, he called my parents and notify them of the referral and the punishment.
Ok, the fighting was when my bully, Frank, decided to come up and make fun of the referral I got. Also, he decided to push me, as well. However, I am taller than him, more potent than him, and more massive than him. So, it wasn't the right life choice. First, I kicked his ribs, and I heard it crack, and he doubled over. Then, I pick him up and repeatedly slam him down on the floor. Lastly, I used ground and pound. At the end of the fight, I completely destroy him. I broke his arm, leg, and couple of ribs. Mr.Allen write a referral and call an ambulance to take Frank to the hospital, and he also calls Frank's parent. Then, the same thing happened again, except I got expelled, and I was arrested for Aggravated Assault and battery on a student. They booked me, and I did it. Then, my mom picked me up snd put on bail, then she drove me home. When we got back, Dad and Mom sat down with me and asked," Why did you beat someone up like that?" "It because he bullied me, so I beat him up," I answered. Then, I got out of my chair and ran straight to my room and started crying. My parents heard it and come up to my room and saw me standing out my window. They immediately said, "come back down." I did but I accidentally slip and fall out of my room.

Message to Readers

Please enjoy!!!!!!!!!

Peer Review

I like the premise of this. The storyline is very good, and although jumbled at times, I think it's a really good idea that should be expanded on.

I found a few things worth addressing. First of all, you use the same transitions a lot. Vary your language to make your writing more interesting. You don't have to have a transition after every sentence; the story should flow without them. Second, you break the fourth wall a lot. This is when you talk to the reader. Even in a diary entry, this is something an author should avoid at all costs. Third, when events should be dramatic, you kind of play them down. Like, this guy gets arrested for beating someone almost to death, and everyone's just like "meh". Don't be afraid to dramatize! That's what gets a reader hooked! Also, you change tenses often. It's a diary entry, so it should all be past tense. Don't stray from that. Lastly, the ending is very confusing. Are you going to add another entry, because if this guy falls out a window, I want to know what happens. You just end it on "oh he might have died, no big deal". Yes, it is a big deal! Expand on that idea! You have the ideas, but they seem a little boring in practice.

Reviewer Comments

So sorry if this review seems harsh, I just want your writing to be the best it can be! Please don't hesitate to ask me to explain anything, and I think you have an awesome idea here that can be taken really far.