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I've been snapping too many pencils

July 13, 2016

Dearest cousin Cassie:

The title says it all.

I lose control of my emotions sometimes, so I find control in the number of pencils I break. I've been snapping, breaking, tearing at, even, too many to count. I don't mean to cause others to worry, but it's the only way I know how to express myself.
Lately, my best friend met a boy. He makes her really, really happy. He simply has to smile at her, and she melts inside. She is the sweetest person I know; she is made out of cloud-spun dreams and warm caramel smiles. I truly mean to be happy for her.
However, these days he is all she can talk about: his smile, his eyes, their endless messages to each other, does her like her in return? Our talks about clothes, friends, and happy memories have slowly faded, replaced by boys, the girls he talk with, and the possibilities of her social life.
Am I wrong to stay with the past? Am I the only one stuck in the shadow of an easier past?
I snap a pencil every time I wish she hadn’t met him. I snap a pencil every time I wish he could meet with an accident. I snap a pencil every time I wish I didn’t feel like crying. I have snapped so, so many pencils, Cass. I’m afraid I’m running out and I can’t afford to buy any more. Good news is: I don’t think I have time to break them anytime soon.
Just yesterday, she confessed to him, and he rejected her feelings. Her Instagram account, which had been patiently waiting for his follow request, was rejected. Her contact on his phone, a fact she couldn’t help smiling about, was suddenly blocked.
My best friend is enthusiastic, and sometimes her readiness to commit scares others, but that’s what I love about her. She’s sincere, genuine, and wears her heart on her sleeve.
She’s been crying all night, and I stayed over to comfort her. Cleaned her vomit, wiped her tears, and waited until she was too tired to stay awake. We both missed school the next day. Seeing her so distressed tore my heart, Cass. Never have I ever felt so powerless, never have my presence felt so far away, and never have my words beat as uselessly as today upon her gentle, loving heart.
I believe in this quote, “We meet people for a reason; some a blessing, some a lesson.”
My best friend is the best thing that ever happened to me, but sometimes I want to ask the heavens for more, just a teeny tiny bit – is it selfish of me? I want them to open her eyes to others that love her still and love her more.
Her father drops in on us every few hours, smiling at me in that sad, quiet way like he knows what I’m not saying and hears it loud and clear. He hugs his daughter and me both, and every time I let go I wish I had a dad like that: a dad who doesn’t need me to speak before he understands, a dad who communicates through love and presence.
I snap a pencil for every letter I remember sending that my own doesn’t reply to.
I guess we don’t meet people for a reason; some a blessing, some a lesson. Yet, I wonder if his absence is a blessing, and what lesson could his absence possibly teach.
There she goes, washing her face again so I can’t see her tear tracks. Why must we live with heartbreak and why do we willingly bare our hearts open for others to have a stake in it?
I want to snap pencils for the sobs I know she chokes back, and the tears she has shed for that boy who isn’t worth a drop of her tears. I know she will come out of this dark moment, because that inner sunshine in her is simply waiting. She still smiles when she sees pretty skies, and laughs at adorable bunny stories, even though she’s back to being sad later.
Maybe I should have done something else, but I don’t know what.
Write soon, Cass. My newer pencils are looking to you forlornly.
Yours truly,
Amy A. 

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