Peer Review by RockSugar98 (Singapore)

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The Dying Flower

By: Abhoy


FREE WRITING

She rose from a raw-boned branch of her mother,
Spreading her love across the border and even further.
Kept her love and hope in her calyx,
Her mother’s vines forming letters in italics.
The letters writing the stories of her daughter
She wrote them since the day she brought her.
The petals opened and light touched her virgin frame,
She was claimed by light but many others held the lusty flame.
The strong winds explored her young body,
Water rushed through here veins; making her feel like somebody.
The crescent moon lit the lustrous yet mattey petals,
Where at twilight the dust of the stars settles.
But when aubade reaches her ears,
Drops of water appear like tears.
We call them droplets dew 
But what they really are, are known by few.
Let me tell you what they really are,they are not dew or futile water droplets,
They are the tears of a dream filled starlet.
She knew the time’s chariot is getting close
The stallions with their royal mane cannot be frozen.
In this beautiful world’s stage she played her role, 
There is more to tell to make the story whole.
She knows she will be torn apart from her mother,
She had dreams to fulfill but, who cares to bother?
She was the youngest and prettiest among all the others,
She was plucked in a single pull, fading all her life's colours.
The colours may have painted a divine sculpture,
But she was not given a chance to even from a structure.
Oh! Now she is not in the world, she is long gone 
Maybe another like her; will be seen at the dawn. 


Peer Review

Definitely your smooth rhyme! It made your poem a breeze to read. There are also descriptions within the poem that are refreshing to read ("The petals opened and light touched her virgin frame"; "at twilight the dust of the stars settles").


I would definitely like to know what had concretely happened to the girl in question for her to die young and live a difficult life. Why wasn't there anybody to help her out?


Reviewer Comments

Your poem had an ethereal feel about it, which I liked a lot. :)

You had attempted to describe the character's story with three themes, 1) nature (i.e. flowers, stardust and dew); 2) transcendence (i.e. chariot of time; "playing one's role in the world's stage). Whilst I appreciated this creative attempt, it was a little hard to follow at times what exactly was happening in the story and what the character had gone through. There are times where I had been confused as to why certain expressions/words are used and some jumps in logic within the poem (why did the girl suddenly die?). These points will have been highlighted for you for your easy reference. :)

It is a good idea to concentrate your creative ideas into one theme and come up with wonderful descriptions (like you have demonstrated in this piece) just for that one theme. Take heart, and I hope to see more from you on Write the World!