I never thought I would be able to muster the strength to write these words, for the threat of your vengeance not only weighs heavy on my heart but leaves my body shaking, down to the very tips of my scarred fingers.
To the trivial trepidation I feel when I try to speak in front of others, to the utter anguish I get when faced with peer judgement, to the anxiety I suffer when I'm reminded of my undetermined future-it's all because of you. And all I have wanted, for so long, was to just say the words "go away".
Yet I was too afraid, too scared of you,the very concept behind the emotions I felt. How can I put into words, how much I fear fear? You, the feeling of perceived danger, a chemical reaction of the brain, one of man's most powerful emotions-how can I put to words just how much I fear you? But when I begin to think about just why exactly it is that I hate you so much, I'm reminded of what you truly are. An abstract concept of humanity, a word that man created to name the mind's response to threats, so why should I care? Why should I even try to voice my complaints and lament my sufferings to a construct of thought?
Because it's all your fault.
The negativity that surrounds, even drowns me, at night, when I envision the future that has yet to come. The tears I shed in frustration when my body reacts to my paranoid mind-the tears others shed because of me, out of pity. The weakness I show when I succumb to your paralyzing grip.
I admit, I am a coward that remains unable to work up the nerve to meet you face-to-face. Trust me, I would love nothing more than to chase you away from the confines of my muddled mind, to cull away the poisonous roots you have embedded in my soul, and to banish you from this very life. But, I am too afraid to do what I wish. I can only dream of a life where you simply wither away, reduced to nothing more but echoes of emotion. I can envision that day so clearly, the moment I will stop feeling as though there is a threat at every turn I take. The second your silent pressure vanishes from behind me, I can breathe freely, and can finally look up from my feet.
That day will not arrive, not for a very long time. But I can wait.
This letter was penned not so you could gloat at knowing the extent of the pain you cause me, but so that I could send out a warning to you, my enemy.
I am coming for you.
I can imagine you smirking at the idea of this weak willed one going against you, and I can understand that. I'm doing the same right now, laughing at myself for even daring to pen out these words. But I'm doing what needs to be done, because if I don't write out this letter and let loose the hate I've kept inside all these years...I will break, and then you would win.
I don't want you to win.
You may remain smug for now, but just you wait. Slowly but surely, I am growing stronger and eventually, my will shall be enough to put an end to your tyranny. I'm growing, bit by bit, each and every day, learning the art of acceptance, understanding life for what it is, seeing my future ahead, and most importantly, I am learning how to dream again. To be able to dream freely, to let my desires fill my imagination with a bright and neverending glow...if only you were less villainous in your attitude, then perhaps I would actually thank you for pushing me into this path of self-love.
I was but a small flower, surrounded by your poisonous weeds and left wilting in your monstrous shadow.
But now I am facing the sun once more, embracing the light and showing the world who I really am. My leaves unfurl as the tension in my bones is at last put to rest, and I am growing ever more, so high that soon...
it will be you that is overshadowed.
With sprouting courage,
your soon-to-be fearless foe.