Amalia

United Kingdom

19
Read advanced books in primary school and now I'm sad all the time

Message to Readers

ok this is the stupidest thing i've ever written but it's just for the bants

WtW News at Anytime, Anywhere, with Camelot Haynes

April 25, 2020

*news music intro*

Hello and welcome to WtW News at Anytime, Anywhere. I'm your host, Camelot Haynes. Our stories tonight:

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Maddox 'Surf N' Turf ' Kendall, manager of notorious gentrified Californian breakfast joint, The East Toast, has been attacked this morning by a mob of disgruntled customers with his own $15 avocado toast. When asked by our U.S. correspondent Dathaniel Daniels why pay for the meal only to throw it at the man, a spokeswoman for the movement reasoned that it was 'cheaper than therapy and twice as good.' More at eight.

*BONG*

Developers for the new smartphone DNATD have issued a statement to the UN this morning that the phone is Definitely Not A Tracking Device following claims that the name of the device is an acronym for the phrase Definitely Not A Tracking Device, which, they argue, makes it sound like it Definitely Is A Tracking Device.

*BONG*

Eyeglass store Eye Eye Captain in Bristol, established in 1721 by Edward Teach, has filed for bankruptcy after literally centuries in business. Originally a front for piracy-related money laundering scams, the store has struggled to keep afloat as a legitimate business. We have unconfirmed reports that the company is in debt by 3 pieces of eight, which doesn't sound so bad until you remember that they don't exist anymore.

*BONG*

An Elvis-themed dog shelter, You Ain't Nothing But A Pound Dog, has been given a government mandate to change their name on the grounds that it just kind of sucks, really. 

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The double motorway across the UK Midlands, designed for obstinate drivers in mind, is now complete. The first road will be named My Way Or, and the alternative route will be called The Highway. 

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Island: The Last Resort, the latest output in the increasingly strange and convoluted Avatar: The Last Airbender live action film series, has finally been given a release date after decades in production hell. Coming soon to a cinema inconveniently far away from you!

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Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica. How Pennsylvanian paper salesman Dwight Schrute came up with the name for the new constellation in our solar system even though no one asked him to.

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Donald Trump's pet polar bear, BigWhiteFluffyBoy, has been awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by newly-elected President Michelle Obama after it defected to the Democrats and ate all of the Republicans. 

*BONG*

A new nail polish colour has stirred up controversy in the beauty industry this morning because why not? The name of the bright red product 'Redistribution of Wealth', led to a public outcry from CEOs of the beauty industry all around the country in order to distract consumers from taking the nail polish's advice before going into hiding on their private islands.

*BONG*

And finally, some good news this evening. The new species of butterfly discovered last week by a team of scientists on the Isle of Wight has finally been given an official name; Bog Flapper. The rather unflattering name was chosen as revenge after the creature laid its eggs in the team's microscope.

Well, that's all we've got time for on WtW News. Thank you for joining us, have a great evening.

*news music outro*

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  • April 25, 2020 - 9:39pm (Now Viewing)

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11 Comments
  • Tomb of Jade (#spookified)

    love this!!!


    about 1 month ago
  • FantasyOtter12

    You Ain't Nothing But A Pound Dog XD haahahahhhaaaa


    about 1 month ago
  • TwentyOneTimelords

    This is amazing and hilarious


    2 months ago
  • Sol noctis

    XD I liked the 'eye eye captain'


    3 months ago
  • avoiding the big bang

    how did i only just discover this? seriously this made my day


    4 months ago
  • JadeAndSerpentine

    YES THIS IS GREAT


    5 months ago
  • FizzyBaguette

    Omg I'm vibing with this chaotic energy right now...
    I would totally vote BigWhiteFluffyBoy at president after Michelle Obama's eight terms are over. And I'm not a makeup type of girl, but 'Redistribution of Wealth' sounds like a hot colour. Throwing avocado toast? I'm in


    5 months ago
  • r|A|i|N

    I lOvE tHiS


    6 months ago
  • asta

    this is so funny omg


    6 months ago
  • Dmoral

    interesting


    6 months ago
  • jun lei

    michelle obama elected as president? we wish. we fucking wish.


    6 months ago