Peer Review by yapyapxy (Singapore)

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Dear America (2)

By: AlliWrites02


FREE WRITING

Dear America,
Where is the compassion you claim to have taught your children? Why do they tear others down and find anonymous insults better than admitting their own faults? Why can’t they see that they are the ones causing the destruction of the world they claim to love?
What the actual heck, America? Teach them to be kind, it isn’t communism. Teach them the Golden Rule, it won’t end your precious capitalist system. Teach them the weight of their words, it won’t stop competition. Teach them that anonymity is not an excuse, it won’t ruin you.
They are destroying the world you tell them they can save. They are destroying the people attempting to learn the lessons you should be teaching. They are ruining the little hope we have left.
Teach them to be kind, America, before you teach them to ruin themselves.


Peer Review

I liked that the narrator was directly addressing America


Who is the one writing? What has struck her so? If the core idea of this piece is to show readers how America has become unkind (because of capitalism, because of the anonymity the Internet offers), it doesn't come through very clearly so I would love some specific instances or names/examples I can associate with so I can agree that yes, it's high time for America to teach her people to be kind.


Reviewer Comments

I like the idea of this piece, of directly talking to America.

One thing I was unsure of is who exactly "America" is and who "they" are - in my interpretation, I think "they" might refer to the children and "America" refers to the older generation. However, I get confused in some places because it wouldn't make sense - who is the "we" in "hope we have left"? So I think another "they" might be people of America while "America" might be the systems in place, in which case perhaps you can consider describing more about the systems for those who might not be so familiar with America. :')

I like how you used "you" while talking to America because it makes the piece more personal. Mostly I'd say to add more details instead of sweeping through general ideas as now it comes across as a little fragmented and random. For instance, I'd love to hear more about "your precious capitalist system" rather than moving on immediately to "the weight of their words".

One last suggestion - you can try experimenting with structure! Such that there is a gradual flow of ideas or maybe let the ridiculousness of the examples you are listing (of the many ways America is out of hand) lead up to the burst of anger. This suggestion is entirely up to you to follow of course haha.

All in all, I enjoyed reading this piece (reminded me a little of Hamilton!) and hope to see you take it further. ;)

Keep writing and all the best in your future endeavours! Hopefully, we'll come out of this pandemic as better people and societies :'(