Every day, I eat banana cream pie and pretend to like it. Every night, I throw it up. The pigs come to eat it when I am asleep. I know because I've stayed up really late a few times and seen the pigs devour my regurgitated pie like it was the best food in the world. My mama is a lot like them, except she thinks that banana cream pie is the best food in the world when it is still hot from the oven.
When I started to grow way too skinny, my mama got worried: "My poor child. You're not getting enough to eat, are you? Well, you'll just need some more of that good banana cream pie, now won't you?"
In came more pie in the afternoon light, out went more pie after dark, and my desperation grew. One day, I almost told my mama that I didn't like all the pie she was giving me, but one of the pigs gave a snort, interrupting me. When I saw the look on that pig's face, I just had to stop talking.
Through sheer will power, I managed to force down a few pieces of pie - just enough for my mama to say, "Look! The pie is making you fatter! With even more of that pie, I'll have my plump baby back again!" The pigs gave their snorts of approval.
I became so desperate that I started to eat anything besides banana cream pie I could find. I ate grass. I ate dirt. I ate worms. Nothing helped. I had to stop eating stuff from the ground anyways, when my mama caught me.
"Come back in here this instant!" she ordered. "You'll get sick eating all of that dirt." One of the pigs nudged her leg and started to walk toward the oven. "Oh yes, and the pie is ready."
Eventually, I started to go crazy. I couldn't focus on anything anymore. "Don't run around so much," my mama would say. "You'll burn up all your fat, and be so skinny, you could fit inside a hose!" I tried to obey her, but I just couldn't. Sometimes I couldn't stop shaking, sometimes I couldn't stop talking, sometimes I couldn't stop drinking water, and sometimes I couldn't stop running. Whenever I was on the verge of being calm, a pig would snort and I would start laughing, or a pig would nudge me as if challenging me to a race. I couldn't sleep, do my chores, or really anything good.
After a long time of being crazy, I even lost my craziness. Craziness requires energy, and I just didn't have any left. I could sleep again, but I didn't dream. I could sit still again, but I still couldn't do anything useful. My life became way slower. I started to grow a little fatter, and my portions of banana cream pie grew every day (the pigs gazed at me eating with looks of satisfaction).
"Honey, why're you so sad and tired all of a sudden?" my mama would ask. "Just a few weeks ago, you couldn't sit in a chair for a second."
"Well I..." Then a pig would nudge me or snort, and I would just trail off.
One day, when I was staring out the window, I noticed a bunch of big plastic containers in our yard. I supposed a truck that went by had spilled them. There was nothing strange there, so why was I walking toward the door?
Suddenly, there was a flash of pink, and the biggest pig was blocking me. With a surge of energy, I shoved that pig right out of the way. I went outside, dashed over to one of the containers, clutched the handle, and tugged it towards the house. At the door, I was greeted by not just the biggest pig, but all of the pigs, sqirming and snorting. As I tried to push through the mob, they knocked the container out of my hands, and the cover fell off. The biggest pig took one look into the container, and turned and ambled away. The other pigs followed.
In the container, there was a bunch of brown stuff with a peculiar smell. It was just begging to be tasted. First I took a bit on my finger, and soon I was chowing down huge handfuls of the sticky stuff.
Just then, I heard my mama coming. I quickly closed the container and pushed it behind me. "My precious boy! I haven't seen that wide smile in years! How wonderful! But what happened to make you so happy? And what's that smell?" Some of the pigs decided they needed naps.
"Well..." I began. I reluctantly took the container out of hiding.
"What's in there?" More of the pigs decided to go to sleep.
I slowly raised the lid off the container. Suddenly, my mama's face was dark, and she barked, "Get that stuff out of the house this instant!" The littlest pig started to give a bunch of short snorts, but the biggest pig gave that little pig a look.
"Why?" I wailed.
"It's peanut butter, and I'm severely allergic!"
With a stream bitter tears running down my cheeks, I did as I was told, and threw the container of peanut butter out the door.
"Don't worry, my precious little baby. I know what will cheer you up," my mother said.
The biggest pig made an odd little sound, and all of the other pigs immediately woke up and smiled at me.